Let go … then what ?

~ Emma

Once again I’m invited to a “Mental Load” conference directed to women, based on how to “let go”. How to do less, how to accept chores not to be done as well as we would have.

I’m so TIRED of this. Once again, responsibility relies on women, always too demanding, too controlling, too everything ! Whereas men would be those kind of big kids unable to vacuum correctly. This is upsetting for everyone !

So what happens when we “let go”, if men don’t take over ? Well, the dishes rot in the sink, children miss their vaccines and wear clothes too small for them, the school canteen remains unpaid and the fridge empty.

When will there be a conference aimed to men, to advise them about how to take their part ?

lacher prise EN

24 thoughts on “Let go … then what ?”

    2. Dear Emma
      Merci beaucoup~
      We laughed till we cried! Your work, your writing, is so funny, but so true!

      PS:
      Pls put up a Donation/Buy Page so that readers far away can pay you

      All the best,
      Readers in Canada

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    1. Reminds me of my husband. If I had to go away on a business trip, I’d get a call from my oldest who said she ended up doing everything – from cooking up to laundry. When I got home, my husband said he did everything – the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry. My son never complained. I assume that he didn’t feel it necessary to complain because maybe he didn’t do anything?

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  3. For example when they finally go to a ‘married couple’s week’ at ‘Hungarian Home mission Biatorbágy’.

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  4. Women need to speak up and discuss with your man prior to commitment to unprotected sex (which can lead to disease or unwanted babies.) Don’t wait until you are in a heightened sexual event and try to have a discussion. That WON’T happen.
    You may end up with a baby you don’t want, have an abortion, have a baby that has to be adopted or marry someone you really don’t love.
    Be an adult and be smart. Protect and learn to love amd honor your self first and foremost. ❤️

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    1. The problem is, lots of men do the chores until the couple is settled. Then they stop. It shows that they are able to do it, but also that we all have this cultural scheme where women, once settled, take the most of it.

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    3. Starshine, you’re putting the work on women again. “Don’t spread your legs unless you know he does housework” is a ridiculous pressure to put on women. And you’re also commenting that the responsibility for STDs and unwanted pregnancy relies completely on women. When exactly is a man responsible for anything?

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  7. Found this while browsing… Advice for men based on your comic emma… You are making a huge difference. I was able to talk to my husband about the emotional load that I carry and I have also been able to minimise that load because now I refuse to take responsibilities for people over 18 (which effectively disqualifies husband, mum and the other relatives)..

    View at Medium.com

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  8. Hi Emma – thank you so much for the amazing work you are doing. We’ve hosted a few global meetings for our partner organizations. I completely agree with you that not nearly enough is happening, and thanks for alerting the world to the invisible work that women do. We’re launching the 3rd State of the World’s Fathers report at Women Deliver in June, and planning another MenCare meeting for the end of this year. And full disclosure: the irony I live with is that I often travel to promote men’s involvement in unpaid care work, while my partner manages our household, although I have managed to reduce this a lot recently.
    Would be great to hear what you think of our work. http://www.men-care.org

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  9. I was married, husband and I each working full time, he traveling for business approx. 1-2 weeks a month and a 1 year old and 3 year old at home who were in day care during our work hours. My first business trip since the 1 year old was born was scheduled. Planning on being gone for 9 days, I made food, menu schedules, grocery shopped, packed the day care bags with 7 days of clothes and necessities all packaged by day of use(the weekends he’d be responsible for) and arranged for the sitter to watch the kids for an extra hour so m husband could run any errands and have “time to breathe”. Cleaned the house, wrote reminder lists for everything, packed myself and flew to Philadelphia(we lived in So. Calif). The day after I left, I called to check in and see how everything was going. He told me he’d called his 70 year old mother to come up and stay for the duration and “help out”! The handwriting was on the wall-I should have divorced him then!!!!

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    1. Wow I’m sorry. It’s shocking how dependent they are on the “weaker” gender. I have a 2yr old son and I’m constantly thinking how to raise him right so he doesn’t become a liability as an adult.

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  10. I get that you don’t like perspectives like mine, but I am saddened by seeing my fellow women take on so much busywork. These women are filling their lives with worthless tasks that shouldn’t be done at all, much less shared between the husband and wife. We need to help women overcome this compulsion to have things planned out and taken care of. Like another commenter responded, her daughter started trying to take of things for her dad when her mom was out of town. That behavior needs to be nipped in the bud right now! Doing someone else’s work for them is immoral – children don’t know any better, but that’s what makes it our job to teach them. If this is allowed to continue, she’ll grow up to be a woman who takes care of her husband like a child, instead of letting him sink or swim on his own two feet.

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    1. Dear Netyn, it’s not about tasks that shouldn’t be done at all. On the contrary, it’s about all those tasks that NEED to be done. And somehow magically they all happen to fall on women. A man will never forget to buy his beer for the weekend – you never need to remind him about THAT task. But all the non-“cool” tasks like get tomatoes, do laundry, vacuum, clean a toilet sprinkled with days-old poo – somehow they are forgetful. A man will never forget when the next soccer/golf/tennis/etc game is. But the doctor’s appointments and bill payments somehow slip away.
      It’s not busywork, it’s basic survival. The poor young lady who ended up doing everything for her father was probably simply hungry and out of clean clothes for school. And since SOMEONE has to do it, but HE’s not doing it, she did it.

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  11. I think Jordan Peterson was trying to articulate that with some of his talks. Stop being a useless male and go tidy your damn room. Or something. Its a start

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  14. It is generally true,
    …generally

    To me for instance it reminds me of my wife, spot on!

    I reflected on my situation: I am the husband and I do 85% of the chores, cooking, washing and dressing the kids just to name one.
    I like it but sometimes it is just too much and some helping hand would be nice…

    Then let’s say my wife cooks a meal…
    … The kitchen is a mess, she doesn’t tidy up, she used the precious ingredient I was saving for Sunday! And so on.

    I totally understand the usual complaints women >> man but man >> woman.

    My explanation is that as primary carer for the family I set up a tight schedule method, just to be able to survive and manage everything.
    Albeit welcome help is also a disruption to the routine and sometimes the disruption exceeds the benefit from the help.
    The effect is that my wife is very reluctant to help because she feels judged and it is ‘never done properly’ = it is not done how I would have done it.

    I recognise that same narrative in the majority of ‘hubby is useless’ story.

    It’s about roles, self perception and ability to share the space: male or female we are the same…
    …generally

    So it’s nice to read your blog with a light heart but if you are not part of the ‘generally’ then it stings,
    Reading it I felt boxed in a negative stereotype and it didn’t feel good.

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