1,190 thoughts on “You should’ve asked

  1. Truth to be told, it’s more of a choice.
    I could choose to be the irresponsible one and let me world slide, or I could become the driving force of my relationship and take it beyond the sense of mere equality, further into the equillibrium.
    Sure, that does mean more work, but sure it means more pride.
    And I like organisation of things, most women do, but it doesn’t have to be that every man does resonate with that idea.
    But I could make him understand the essence of it that I truly hold, deep inside me.
    Humanity isn’t equality, it’s about empathy.
    I would understand and respect his valuables and so shall he.
    Takes a bit of effort to pass the idea onto a new person, but ensures the elevated levels of understanding and mental peace.

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  2. As a man I understand this perspective and I want to help more as I know I can. I maybe do dinner, laundry, dishes once every 2 weeks. Lets also remember that house chores include, gardening, swap coolers, lawns, oil changes, brakes, computer repair, appliance maintenance, etc. Not saying woman cant do all those but you certainly will never see my wife doing any of them.

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    1. I have to say that I agree with you. I won’t clean the gutters, cut the grass, catch rats, build decks, redo insulation, move gravel around, fix the clogged vacuum cleaner hose, build a watering system, etc, etc. But I can clean the bathrooms, vacuum the floors, do the laundry (even though I hate it, I think I’d hate cleaning the roof more), I’d hate to fix the hot tub (hint: I wouldn’t), make some meals, walk the dogs, dress the kids, etc, etc. I don’t think it’s so much what each person does, but rather are both partners contributing, and are you happy with the division of tasks?

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    2. Are you doing lawns, oil changes, brakes, computer repair, and appliance maintenance every day, multiple times a day? No. You are comparing apples and oranges. Dinner, laundry and dishes once every 2 weeks? She should kick you to the curb, pronto.

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  3. Great read. I have to say that my wife carries the mental load it in our household. I’ll stand up for myself and say that I’m never sitting on my butt, I’m fully engaged with the kids (1-3) and chores from the time I get home until the kids are asleep and the kitchen is clean. I never say some crap like ‘you should have asked’. I do some mix of dinner bath bedtime every night. But I don’t know how to make a doctors appointment for my kids. And I don’t know what size clothes they wear or how to get in touch with their friends’ Moms to schedule a play date etc. etc..
    My wife manages our family. I have a job and do housework. I still think that this is a good arrangement. The work my wife does should be respected and revered in society as much as it is in our house. I’m very curious to talk to her and see her take.

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  4. So, while the author’s message about helping your partner is absolutely true, it is horribly sexist in its delivery. While there are patches of the “old roles” in present day America, it is silly to view this country as the “Archie Bunker America” of old. Many households are like mine, where there is a division of labor within the house…For example, in our home, I admit that my wife does most of the laundry, though I do help with this, and cleans bathrooms more often than I do. However, she has NEVER mopped a floor (I do that), rarely cooks (I do that as well), and never cleans the cooktop or oven (me again). I’m not singing my praises, simply pointing out that both of us work to keep our house in order.

    The point the author SHOULD have made her main theme (in my opinion), is that we ALL need to be able to SEE when our partners need help and offer ourselves to them…right then and there. We should not wait for them to ask for help. We should be more aware. And IF they ask for help, we should be there, NOT ask ,”What do you want” from the couch. Many of us, myself included, are guilty of this. We can do better.

    This should not have been a “male-bashing” article, but one that bashes partners who fail to see the needs of their other halves, don’t want to see, are blissfully ignorant and lazy. Those folks are not gender-specific.

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  5. I’m a man of 26 ,i always considered myself traditional man and yearned for the “good old days”. But your right, if we could help out with those things that we don’t even even consider doing, this wold would be a much better place. And it’s not even “feminism” its just fairness. We are moving (luckily) into a wold were everyone is becoming more equal, and so far we focused on job opportunities, women in politics ext. But it starts at home. Thank you very much, this comic actually changed me.

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  6. It’s scary how accurate this is.

    The one nitpick I have is with the assumption that raising children based upon stereotypes is the problem. There could be evolutionary reasons why women tend to commit to “nesting” more than men do. If you give a young girl toy trucks, she will often give them names and tuck them into bed at night. If you give a boy a doll, he is likely to use it as a pretend gun. Of course, these behaviors could be due to exposure to media and peers, so who knows. My point is at the jury is still out on nature vs. nurture.

    In either case, I have been guilty of the behaviors described by the author and “human nature” is usually easily corrected by education thoughtful action, so “being male” is not an excuse for my behavior. Fortunately, we finally have enough money to outsource some of the child care and cleaning duties. We have a male nanny, at least.

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  7. I have severe ADHD, with anxiety.
    I’m married, but without kids.

    There can be a biological aspect to it, even if the biological aspect isn’t gendered.
    And women can have this issue too. I know women who don’t see things around them… they also have been diagnosed with ADHD.

    ADHD functionally works off the premise of not having a filter

    When you are just in your average daily life, you can generally process around 7 simultaneous stimuli around you. You notice a few things on the counter, a mess on the table, and the empty mustard in the fridge. Anything not processed is simply discarded as non information.

    These stimuli, plus whatever you are processing in your head creates your mental load.

    When you are tired, the number of things you can simultaneously process goes down, to example perhaps 3 things. This reduces your mental load capacity. You either start processing less things simultaneously, or you have less deep thoughts about them.

    When you have ADHD, when you are tired, instead of going from 7 things to 3 things you can process, you are now processing everything in your environment, plus everything you’ve been thinking about in your head, with equal precedence.

    This means instead of noticing there are some dishes on the counter, you have a more abstract thought of “this room stresses me out” but you aren’t actually sure why it stresses you out.

    You don’t formulate the thought on how to take corrective action to alleviate the stressor. It just exists, and without some form of aide in formulating ideas, there is a high likelihood that it will continue to exist.

    This is why so many ADHD people work off the concept of checklists.
    Have a set time where you are like “okay, my alarm went off, I now have to check the kitchen counter for mess, and take out the garbage”… but more complex tasks will me missed from this system

    It’s just as frustrating for the person going through this as for the people trying to live with them!

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  8. While I agree the socialization of men is a heavy contributor to these issues, I also feel like a number of examples here are also matters of personal preference.

    I.e. The man doesn’t particularly care if the table is cluttered or there’s a towel on the floor and the woman does. So the woman thinks to pick the towel up after clearing the table, while the man ignores it until it becomes a problem in his own perception.

    Let’s keep in mind that men do live on their own for extended periods of time during their adult lives, before cohabitating with women. They seem to make it to the cohabitation phase just fine.

    The examples with children, I think, are far more relevant and meaningful. A child’s life is in the hands of his/her parents. Both should be actively involved and constantly vigilant.

    That said, no one dies if the table is cluttered.

    The man expects to be told what to do because often (again, exempting situations with children), the man doesn’t know what “needs” to be done, because that “need” isn’t his – it’s hers. She “needs” the table cleared and stray clothes picked up. He is fine without it, until it stacks up enough that he isn’t – and then he would take care of it, the way he did when he didn’t have her around.

    BUT by this point, she has already done it, because her threshold for a mess was lower. And so, over time as this pattern repeats, he becomes socialized to her doing what she wants, and telling him to do what she wants.

    Human beings, sadly, aren’t psychic. So communication IS important (despite how this article seems to undervalue it). Perhaps the message shouldn’t be “remember to pick up”, because one person’s threshold is lower than the others. Perhaps it should be “Hey, I don’t like it when the table is cluttered – I know you don’t care, but for my sake, whenever you use the table, can you please clear it so I don’t have to? Thanks, love you.”

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  9. I’ll always remember the time I tried to help my sister out with a crying baby and she reacted as if I had done something terrible (Oh no! You’re doing it all wrong!) because the baby was supposed to be learning to put himself to sleep. I’m afraid of moving around in someone else’s kitchen until I’ve observed the flow. I try to remember to offer to help, but the men’s conversation in the living room is a lot more interesting.

    Anyone who wants men to pick up the slack needs to let them work out their own routines around the house and be very gentle about putting them down for ignorance or different standards. The internet can teach them everything they need to know about housekeeping. Women in the meantime can learn how to delegate without micromanaging – practice at home and then take the new skills to work.

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