Here is the english version of my now famous “Fallait demander” ; now available as a book with other stories :
Orders available here or here or here ^_^
Thanks Una from unadtranslation.com for the translation 🙂
Here is the english version of my now famous “Fallait demander” ; now available as a book with other stories :
Orders available here or here or here ^_^
Thanks Una from unadtranslation.com for the translation 🙂
Emma 
Wow this is the most sexist nonsense I’ve read this year.
This really lets womenkind down.
We do not all think like this because it isn’t the 1950s.
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Pull your head out of your arse.
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Are you ghost-writing under Ann Smith ? More like George Smith ? 😆
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Lol try looking beyond your personal environment and think about how most households are. This is spot on on how women on take much more responsibility at home because of the absence of responsibility from their partnes.
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What world do you live in that you think this isn’t realistic? You’re delusional or in denial.
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lmaooo ok.
Also pls don’t speak for womenkind as a whole maybe? ty!
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Not the pick me 😭
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Tbh you’re the only regressive here because you think your experiences 1:1 speak for other women constantly.
You just don’t care about other womens’ experiences that much, or the endless statistics/research actually indicating that the artist actually…has a point. There’s even stuff on how single mothers often have less chores than married mothers (which is outrageous–imaging having a partner yet having your workload INCREASE). Literally she never implied that ALL women experience this either. Would you get offended if your friend expresses that she feels as if her husband has a case of weaponized incompetence? “Oh no, you’re a blight on womankind for living in the 1950s!” Lol. What even is that? You seem like the type of person to just start going on about how backwards a woman is, if she is pressured into such a role.
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Wow then I guess it doesn’t apply to you then? I don’t know why your screen name is Ann Smith when you’re clearly a man LOL There’s not a single woman or mom out here doing all these things and looks at this and says “this is sexist!” Get a grip, sir.
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this is incredibly sexist. “and if this gap has been narrowing, its not because men are doing more but because wealthier households outsource these tasks to poor immigrant woman.” Now sit down and be quiet. everyone sucks man woman all of us. quit crying nothings fair and nothing ever will be.
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im a mom with 3 baby’s under 5 and this is me. I cry daily. Ask him very nicely for little help and just get yelled at. I even get told it’s my ‘job” and I shouldn’t have became a mom if I can’t take the workload. This book is not sexist alot of men are still like this
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Stop crying, queen of denial. Lol.
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Don’t forget feminists are some of the most sexist hypocritical people you’ll find. They claim they want equality but don’t care about a single mens issue. How often do you see feminists fighting for more male DV shelters or more funding for testicular cancer? And as the responses to your comment clearly show, feminists aren’t about supporting all women but ONLY women who agree with them. If you don’t see eye to eye with them on every issue they resort to name calling and gas lighting. Just look at the responses to your comment. Not the most rational group to try to have a conversation with. Some of us women don’t think like this / live in households like this because we don’t allow it. If you allow your partner to be lazy and selfish it’s not a womens issue, it’s a your relationship issue. Stop thinking all women are so afraid to speak up. We’re not.
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Speaking of rationality, why is it that feminists get called sexist for advocating only for women’s issues and yet we also get called hypocritical for only advocating for women’s issues? And you do it in one lovely, irrational and oxymoronic sentence!
I mean honestly – putting aside the fact that the post basically ended with a plea for all, especially men, to support family leave – why would you blame feminists for “not fighting for a single mens issue” when, the whole point of the movement is to support women and fight for equality? How does advocating for testicular cancer funding either support women or work towards creating equality between men and women??
Do you also call the Black Lives Matter movement hypocritical for not advocating for testicular cancer funding even though they too are advocating for equality? And would you also call them racist for advocating instead for sickle cell anemia funding?
If anyone isn’t being “rational” here, it’s people like you who seem to not recognize that you can’t have it both ways – you can’t condemn us for being one thing and not another and then ALSO call us hypocrites for being one thing and not another. Doing so makes you completely irrational in your argument, sir. Either that or you put the moron in oxymoron – to which, all I can say then is: I do not think these words you use mean what you think they mean.
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Let’s look at some numbers here.
Per the American Cancer Society, one in 270 men will develop testicular cancer, as opposed to one in 8 women develop breast cancer. Where should our attention be?
As far as DV shelters for men…. I totally get that men are frequent victims of DV, and it typically goes unreported. You know feminists are all about fixing that, right? Promoting services for men. However, we’re still a bit imbalanced financially with the menfolk, so when there’s a DV issue, no matter which partner is which, the man is usually the homeowner or leaseholder, so safe to say, they don’t need the DV shelters nearly as much as women. And conversely, my local DV org, SAFE, has housing/shelter options for male and female victims of DV.
Furthermore, this is not a matter of being afraid to speak up, this is about letting the people in this system know that this is an issue. LOL I know women who live like this, and they don’t see that there’s a problem, because it’s what they know. You can’t speak out or fix something you’re not aware of.
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How hilarious that women do so much for men as it is but you also think women should be fighting for more DV shelters or Testicular cancer research. Do you think we could just sort out some of womens problems first seeing as there’s so many of them? You or any man are more than within your right to create groups for mens issues. Why are you asking women to do it? Also as said in the article it’s women who are fighting for longer paternity leave something I know that a lot of men actually do want! So what does that tell you? Lots of household homes are super progressive but I didn’t read this article as if it was brand new information. I’m not even a mother but I recognise these dynamics from my own childhood, friends childhoods, friend relationships today. And from tv stereotypes. It’s so much more common. If it’s not for you then great but this article was super on point.
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What are you doing to help open more DV shelters & raise funding for testicular cancer?
* Of course we all already know you do absolutely nothing & only bring up “men’s issues” when women’s issues are being discussed to try to derail the convo. It’s so pathetic & unoriginal.
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Men’s needs are not women’s responsibilities, create your own movement. The comic IS a women’s issue, you just live in a bubble and are clearly male.
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So you say (edited for clarity) “If you allow your partner to be lazy and selfish, it’s not a ‘women’s issue,’ it’s a ‘your relationship’ issue.”
Um … “if you allow”? So you believe it’s a woman’s responsibility to control the behavior of a man if they are in a relationship?
Yikes, no thanks. Please — a partnership based on shared control/responsibilities over one based on male infantilization.
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Are you an idiot?
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Women are the only group not allowed to center themselves in their own liberation movement. We mention domestic violence against women? Cue some guy who never gave a shit about either going “yeah, but what about MEN experiencing DV?”
Rape? “But what about MEN?”
Lack of pain management for gynecological procedures? “But what about MEN?”
Femicide? “But what about MEN?”
Well, what ABOUT men is it that makes it impossible to even mention a women’s issue without someone, sometimes even another woman, complaining that for three minutes the attention is not on MEN?
Seriously, what is up with that? When someone says ‘police violence against black people is bad’, or in my own country, ‘the government shouldn’t treat people like frauds just for having a foreign last name’ do you go ‘well, ackshualley, you say you want equality but I haven’t heard you say anything about white people living in poverty, so you’re racist’?
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Well, there goes that thinking again, that Women ought to take on all the burdens of the world, even the men’s specific issues, because men can’t be bothered to do it themselves. The comic literally says that feminists are the ones pushing for more paternity leave. For men! The patriarchy has us feeling like we ought to be all things to all people at all times, activist of every cause but our own. Who has time for that, right?
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Testicular cancer is far less common and statistically not nearly as life threatening as female cancers. The point, however, isn’t about cancer but about household chores. If you are not experiencing that situation as it’s described by this writer, lucky you. You are the exception. A lot of men won’t even see themselves here because they won’t notice what all the woman is managing at home until she’s flat on her back with an illness and paging him to please wash the kid’s stinky soccer uniform before the game the next day, and a couple dozen other things that he’s not tuned in to. And, yes, they’ll run out of grocery essentials not because he never shopped before but because she didn’t make a list this time. It’s not surprising that the article hits a sore spot. Men are being accused of not shouldering their share of the load, and the evidence is cited. Ooh, ouch!
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Instead of asking why feminist aren’t advocating for homeless shelters for men and etc, how about asking why MEN don’t advocate for that stuff?? They only wanna bitch about it and say ” oh but what about us men” but like most men, they don’t wanna put in the effort 🤷
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Married men who have testicular cancer have a much better survival rate than single men. Women ARE doing work to help testicular cancer. And this is a beautiful illustration of the unrecognized work women do.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20870430/#:~:text=43.4%25%2C%20P%20%3D%200.33),predictor%20of%20improved%20overall%20survival.
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She literally mentioned fighting for longer paternity leave in this comic but we all know you skipped over all those difficult difficult words didn’t you? Loser
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a reason as to why do shelters are less for men is because (there are statistics to prove it just do your research) is men are less likely to be abused in a household over women. Women are in constant struggle so please Ninka, before you say, think. I don’t find what you are saying is true, credibly. This comic is showing what happens in most homes, is it every situation? Maybe not, so why get upset? But in most households for ages, the women is the family maker , and it still is alive and thriving in today’s society. But as far as domestic shelters for men, more women get assaulted , sexually harassed and raped in domestic relationships, per reason why there are more shelters for women in place than for men.
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Wow. That’s a lot of generalisation on some feminist you have met. I am a feminist. I’m also from a very conservative and not a very wealthy country. I see my mom and many moms in my country in the same scenario. Whereas I also see my boyfriends mom, who is from a wealthy nation bearing the mental load as well. This is a clear case that it’s global even now.
The mental load is very exhausting. It affects our brain negatively. Now as well as all this, I think I have full right to comment on this. My boyfriend is also a Testicular cancer survivor. I have always supported him and talked to other men who are suffering the same medical issue. This is very ignorant of you to just look into your own home and ignore millions of women, just for your prejudice for feminism.
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Look, another person who doesn’t understand what the word sexist, or, in your case, hypocritical, means. Please explain to the class how it makes sense for a world in which men dominate, but it is women who are fighting for equal rights that are required to also fight on behalf of men (which they already do).
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Oh, so something else WOMEN have to do for men. Got it.
Why aren’t men fighting for male DV shelters or asking for more funding for testicular cancer?
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what is actually wrong with you, feminists are fighting for men’s rights as well as women’s feminism is about equal rights for all, if your a woman this is an absolutely shameful opinion to have and I really hope you don’t have children with this mindset
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Why can’t The Men fight for their own issues like women do? Are you really saying that’s women’s work TOO?
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It lets WHICH womankind down? The ones that are cleaning up after their husbands or after other women because their husbands are paying them to do so?
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What makes you say that? I revisited this post after giving a month notice to my subletting roommate to get out due to his lack of consideration and absent-mindedness around the house for his own mess. I’ve lived and shared with many men over years, and the only organized person that I had who could even beat me if not just competing in keeping up with the mental load, was a gay guy! None of the straight men behaved like adults. Usually after asking them once or twice, they’d acknowledge and stop doing the crap, and it always seems like they need to be reminded (“You should’ve asked” so that I’d stop sprinkling bread crumbs all over the house because I’m too lazy to grab a plate under my sandwich) and they are aware of what they’re doing wrong but they won’t change unless they’re asked about it.
I am really happy to hear that things are different for you and you’re living with a mature man. He must have a fabulous mother and a great upbringing. But unfortunately this doesn’t apply to the majority of people out there, even in 2023.
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This was my experience as a young mother! The dad didn’t even change our 1st child’s diapers until she was a year old! Then when we moved in together, (upon his insistence), all of the cleaning duties were up to me to manage! Then I had to work, get the kids to school and daycare, come home and cook and clean, while all he had to do was work, and occasionally wax the tiny bathroom floor once a year and cook about 3 times a year (ballpark). I’m so angry that I put up with that for so long! I’ll never deal with a mommy’s boy again, and my sons had better not be a problem for their future partners! I’m so thankful that my daughter has a decent partner in her life who actually takes care of her better than her father did me, her and her brothers!
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This is going on for ages & the parents should teach the male child to do all the chores like dish washing tidying the house cooking from the beginning so when they grow up they take care of the house & children . I have seen old parents laughing at their son & stopped them if they help their wives & the sons won’t help their wives in front of their parents 😃
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Yes, except don’t forget that those things are “gay shit” to many men
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Are you sure your name isn’t Dan Smith? Or Man Smith? Or Man Myth? Sheesh. This issue is SO universal to hetero women that I can’t think of a single person I know who isn’t living in this reality. Except you, apparently.
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May I refer to you identical statistics in Australia quoted in Annabel Crabb’s excellent book ‘The wife drought’.
Wake up, my husband is great, but the 7 other married women I work with would identify with this completely.
Also some women are part of the issue, when I was working and my husband was on leave caring for our second son, he wouldn’t take him to the health centre as the at home mothers bullied him mercilessly, we all need to take a damn good look at reinforcing dated roles.
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This is real. This is my house, absent the babies. In large part because my husband has ADHD. Not his fault, but still, this is the result. I work full time and he does not but because he procrastinates and is not a detail person, I have to manage everything and it’s exhausting.
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I am a woman with ADHD and yes sometimes things slip up but ADHD is not the problem with your husband, Helen. That’s an excuse for him. He is still sitting comfortably because of how he was raised as a man, not because he has ADHD. I am a woman with ADHD and several other diagnoses that make it even more painful and difficult to be the main person managing everything and taking on the mental load. Yet I still end up being the one doing it while simultaneously struggling with procrastination and everything that comes with ADHD. It’s time to stop creating excuses for our husbands and ourselves.
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People with ADHD, like myself, have it harder. We’re still adults and not entitled to another person’s labor. There are ways to set up systems so I don’t forget things. I build in support for myself because I recognize my weaknesses. The phone calendar reminds me when to take the recycling it. I rarely miss it. My husband refuses to implement systems and ‘forgets’ the trash almost every single Friday. We’ve been on this trash route for 7 years.
That’s not because he has ADHD. It’s because he doesn’t take responsibility for his shortcomings and doesn’t put systems and accommodations in place to make the responsibility doable for him. If you continue making excuses for him, continue to carry the mental load, continue to be his entire executive function system, then you will end up in a resentful loveless marriage because you’re being his mother.
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Ann, are you sure your’e not a man using a woman’s name?
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See thats the problem now because people say this, they think its ok that women do more then men. No this is not the 1950’s but when you get a partner. Thats what he is suppose to do, help take the load off for us. Not help build more stress. It should always be a 50/50 thing. Nowhere in this comic did she say we should be bowing down to our men, like they did in the 1950’s.
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Yes but unfortunately some people still think it’s the 1950’s. This actually summed up my life to a T. I am the mother in this story and my husband acts just like the father in this story, unfortunately for me he still expects it to be like this and thinks it’s the 1950’s. Me however am full of resentment and feel alone and overwhelmed.
No it is not the 1950’s anymore and no not everyone thinks like this… but SOME unfortunate people still do and it is still a problem. It is not sexist.it’s creating awareness. My mental health has declined rapidly because of the constant state of being overwhelmed by the “mental load”. My husband just doesn’t get it because he still thinks it’s 1950.
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I will say this may be the majority in some peoples eyes, it comes across as an absolute (whoa is me) and I feel it is extremely off base. Especially when there are households that do not have children and both adults work from home. There can be different tasks which do not lessen each other’s contributions.
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My husband is not like described at all, but I know many more couples (most) who have children that are as described. If you truly feel this is way off base, then either you are a man or you don’t have friends with kids or you are clueless to the truth behind their family dynamics.
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Ann Smith (nom de plume for a man, I suspect), if this truly doesn’t describe how things work in your household, congrats. But also, if you don’t feel like the one with the additional mental load… it’s very likely that your partner is carrying mental load you’re not aware of. This comic is a very accurate description of the division of labor at my house. I’m the third adult in a household with married woman and man and two elementary-aged children, so I am a third party observer of this dynamic. (Not completely impartial as I often pick up his slack to ease her frustration.) He does plenty of childcare, including school drop off and pickup, because he works from home and she has an inflexible start and end time as a teacher. He takes them to soccer and scouts because he likes those activities and bro-ing around with the other dads. She keeps them in clothes and food, deals with appointments and permission slips, laundry, school/PTA things, tidying up. It might look like an even division of labor in the routine tasks. But when they are going to the beach for the day, she has to pack the cooler AND the beach bag AND hound the kids to find and don their suits and goggles and sunscreen. He wouldn’t see that this needs doing, that he could take over either food or gear or kid wrangling, unless she asks. If the kids have a birthday party to attend, he may offer to take them if she has a conflicting appointment, but he would never think to buy and wrap the gift. He often does some dishes, but rarely empties the sink, nor does he look for dirty dishes beyond the sink, or rinse the food particles from the empty sink and empty the drain-guard, or wipe up the water from the surrounding counter. When he oversees the morning routine, he makes sure the kids are dressed appropriately, but he never makes sure their pajamas go into the laundry basket. He thinks he is doing “his share” of household and childcare responsibilities, but he simply does not think comprehensively about them. He does not carry the mental load. And if you don’t believe uneven mental loads exist – nor, I suspect, do you.
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This is a really great example of a lot of women’s experience. My husband does so much with our kids but yes, I am the one remembering all those little important details. Plus many other extremly important things like paying rent on time. The mental load can weigh down on me at times, especially when I’m sick. It’s hard to rest and recover while also delegating the daily tasks.
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It’s not a matter of “thinking like this”. It’s objectively true that women are the household managers and that that mental load is entirely overlooked when it comes to the perceived division of labor.
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you feminist forget that mental load also0 exist for men…but simply based on their gender roles. im sure not mayn women remeber when they need to chnage the tires or when to mow the lawn…. becasue its not part of their gender role….the whole feminist discussion of mental load si simply onyl one side
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To reply to Marvin below, I still have to remind him to do the lawn, listen to the complaints or his excuse for procrastinating, and change my own oil because he didn’t know how or when and apparently hasn’t heard of google. Hell I’ve been trying to get him to do his damn taxes but have a feeling either I’m going to be doing it again or he just won’t do it. The fact that it takes me a week of nagging to get him to clean for 30 minutes, subjecting myself to his anger over being asked over and over. I don’t like nagging either -.- it gets to a point where it’s just easier to do it yourself and results in everyone’s happiness. I don’t know why so many men out here don’t know how to adult, and more so get mad when someone suggests that they do. I love him and legit just at my wits end.
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You are an absolute joke, Ann Smith. Your ability to be inclusive and not narrow-minded is completely void. Step outside your own bubble to realize that working mothers still face this. Perhaps not in your world. This is not a sexist article. You are just a dense, blind, idiot. And I’m totally okay with name-calling when it is so apparent.
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As a man and recent father, this comic got to me. I believe that I help a lot but it’s very easy to forget the mental load that comes with having children and taking care of them. I do my best to clean and do household chores whenever I have spare time instead of just plopping Infront of the TV, but I’ve also recently started focusing on building organization and routine into our lives because my wife kind of just goes with the flow… I think we can find more happiness and productivity if we have some sort of routine built up, even if its a routine for food prep, cleaning, and even play time with the kids. I will work a little harder moving forward. I still think that you can’t discount the difference between male and female, and saying it’s all down to society is ridiculous. Women are genetically predisposed to be caretakers, while men are made to fight through harsh environments, war, manual labor, etc. Think of the Lion, he’s a lazy ass but his job is to protect the pack from other male lions, so each time he fights he risks his life and comes away with crazy injuries. Females in this case were placed into a evolutionary position that gave them an advantage in dealing with everything else aka ‘mental load’. Asking a man to do the exact same thing as you, is in fact going against nature and there needs to be a calculation that exemplifies this. If a man is doing 50-50 with a child, he’s actually putting in more effort than the woman strictly through going against evolutionary programming. We also don’t know what epigenetic effects this has in the long run, if its beneficial or not. Obviously putting in more effort into your family and kids is the goal everyone should strive for and is best for the world and your family unit.
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Absolute nonsense.
The fact that you refer to the domestic work that you do as “helping” already reveals your true beliefs (that it’s primarily your wife’s responsibility to accomplish these things) and your theory about women being *genetically* predisposed to carry the mental load in modern society is so ridiculous it actually goes over the edge to obnoxious. And in fact, it very clearly reflects your social conditioning.
When you experience how much effort it takes to do 50% of the domestic labor that’s all that it is for anyone: effort. It is not more effort for you to do it than your wife, you’re just finally experiencing part of what she has been doing already, first hand. It’s not harder for you, you just don’t like it. And you know what? Women don’t like it either, but we do it anyway because things need to get done. End of.
Epigenic effects of men doing an equal share of domestic work…good lord, are you joking?
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It is relevant to me and what I experienced.
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Think? This is just how many households, like mine, are. And how many straight men are. It doesn’t make them evil but it does make it exhausting.
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Are you JOKING? tell me you are joking!
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Wow, Ann, your response was the most clueless I’ve read this year. No, no, it doesn’t let womankind down. It shows what happens with women, and it’s accurate. No, it’s not the 1950s, because if it WERE, then we’d just think that’s how it was and oh, yeah, most of us wouldn’t be balancing an actual career on top of it all, would we?
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Just wondering Ann… do you have a family?!
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Take a look around, Ann. This is the reality of a huge number of women – even if it isn’t yours.
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OK so, I don’t think we have read the same, I suggest you to read again properly please because it’s speaking fact period
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How in gods name does this let women kind down. If that’s what you took from this after reading , you must be a man
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I am really disheartened by the comments on here. But this latest one I choose to respond to. Even years later. And here’s why, you see…I’ve always been pretty forward thinking. I’ve always believed myself to be strong willed and independent. And I never in a million years thought that I would end up with a man who uses incompetence as a weapon. But here I am. The how and why are totally none of your business so don’t even ask. What I will say though is that reading this comic was one of the best things I could have ever done. Why? I don’t feel so alone. I have been validated. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think…”It’s just me. I have no business asking for or needing his help…and there’s no way that it should ever be EXPECTED of him.” Your comment is tragic to read because while you might be so lucky as to have the perfect man or you’re perfectly fine being alone or whatever your perfect high horse situation is that makes you feel as though every woman has the same perfect amount of perfect as you…the reality of it is that there are many MANY women who don’t have it so good. And for many different reasons. Abuse. Namely narcissistic abuse…all by its self puts a huge population of women (and people in general but for the sake of the argument I use the term women) in situations in which they don’t know if “its me” or not. And then we stumble upon something like this…this has the power to help. For those of us in crap situations of all sorts of severities. Your comment is rude. It’s ignorant. And it sort of contradicts your whole “I’m just oh so progressive.” If you were you’d be more about helping than about being a snot nosed brat.
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Lol ok “Ann” . Totally not a dude using a sock account.
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dumbass lol
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Your comment is the nonsense here.
I am a man in a relationship with another man and all of this is too real. I know that we have to do laundry today, clean the kitchen, take out the trash, plan our groceries for tomorrow so that we don’t have to do it on the weekend. We should also clean the microwave which *I* have not cleaned in half a year and we should change the sheets which *I* have not changed in like 3 weeks and I also know that we still have not figured out what’s for dinner and who should cook it.
He only knows or remembers these things when it is too late (trash overflowing, no food in the house, no clean or dry laundry).
We both work full time and have similar jobs.
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Im a man, so this might not mean much, but i totally agree.
In my relationship we are not afraid to ask for help. But it often turns into “oh i forgot” Can you check the trash is “Yes i checked” But its still outside even though she checked it was empty. I always ask to clean, it never starts unless i do. when we are making dinner its, “idk idk idk idk” But i have to come up with all the options.
I really dont think this is a feminism thing, its a people thing
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My mom has this same attitude. Because it’s better sexism isn’t happening anymore. Statistics and research show there are still significant issues in the majority of households. To deny the truth would be to let womanhood down. Because you are right about one thing. Everyone, including men, deserves better. Meanwhile, it’s wonderful this doesn’t reflect your experience. Let’s hold up the light to assure everyone gets the same results.
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Oh, you are not seeing the subtleties. I firmly believe my husband and I share responsibilities equally (both professionals, liberal in mind), but there’s that awareness part (I loath to suggest gender bias) that this woman points out, that I can relate to. It’s not the 1950s, but it’s still real.
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This is exactly how it looks in so many families, even here in equal Sweden where the dad have three months of paternity leave. It has been proven so many times in different research projects. Women do most of the chores around the house, even if they work full time jobs.
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Do you even understand what sexist means?
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I just spent 39 years in that type of marriage except that my husband never lifted a finger in the home. And whenever I broached the subject he would give me the silent treatment for a week.
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Asked my boyfriend to read this, then asked him again, and again, and again. Finally today. he read it, kissed my forehead and did an hour of stuff neither of us wanted to around the house. Thank you for animating this also. Hope I have more mental space in the future and am not the “To Do List Generator” as much in the future.
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Yep, I am giving this book to my husband for Christmas. Would be the best Christmas present ever if he listened to it. I stopped doing the washing. Now he does the washing. He spends all weekend doing the washing. Does not have time to do anything else but the washing. When he started he used the dryer. His undies got destroyed, I kept buying replacement clothes to replace my stuffed items. He then saw the electricity bill skyrocket and I said “Oh well, we can’t afford the air conditioning anymore unless we find somewhere else to cut back on electricity”. Now he has started hanging the clothes out on sunny days.
Last night at about 9pm I filled our bed with Christmas presents and started wrapping. He did not help but watched his phone. He did notice no presents for him. I said I am still trying to figure out what is left to buy. He has not bought a present for years and if he does its not thought out. He does not buy from the heart or ask what someone would love. Not even for me. I said that this is a year in the planning. I am thinking about birthdays 6 months away, planning, as referred to the ‘Mental Load’. His response, I don’t because I spend to much and you are so good at it. Next year, I quit.
I love my husband, but totally relate to this. Oh I am also homeschooling my year 8, not by choice, I work full time, I am the Home Manager full time and I get asked by others to help fix their issues as well. I am 1000% over capacity on my mental load.
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As if men don’t have their own mental loads. We go to our jobs, serve others, take lashings from our peers, customers, and supervisors, go home and are expected to walk right in the door and start chores serving another person so that they don’t have a “mental load” of their own. Both partners have different and shared responsibilities, but when you insinuate that the man doesn’t do anything, you can’t expect to be taken any more seriously than a sniveling little brat that’s pitching a tantrum for a candy bar in the checkout lane while both it’s parents ignore it.
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Let me get this straight:
‘Because men have “mental loads” from their jobs, women with “mental loads” from their jobs and mental load from taking care of the house, shouldn’t give men “additional” chores to do, serving “another person”.’
…
If this represents thinking capabilities and reading comprehension of men who are bigots then we’re all in for a fun life.
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seems like the the comic is talking about the stay at home mom with a working man scenario. You can see the comic talks about how women are taught by their upbringing to care for the home but men are taught to go to work to “save capitalism” as the comic put it. If both parents are working the chores should be split 100%.
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Not to be rude, but women work too and go through everything that you listed there plus the mental load that was mentioned in the comic, which is the whole reason why it is unfair. It’s not insinuated that men don’t do anything, but that women do more when it comes to taking care of the household (even if both parties are working).
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It is insinuated that men don’t do anything. Because they don’t.
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Took me a second to stop laughing. Way to literally miss the ENTIRE POINT.
Women go to their jobs, serve others, take lashings from their peers, customers, and supervisors (and generally women have less recourse because if they stand up for themselves they’re labeled the “office bitch” or if they report sexual harassment then they’re the “bitch that can’t take a joke”), go home and aren’t “expected to” but actually DO start chores and serving another person.
Here’s a quick test.. if you can’t tell me what indoor household supplies are low and need to be purchased within the next week (cooking spices, condiments, detergent, hand soap, toilet paper, dryer sheets, paper towels, vacuum filters..) and your partner can?
She’s the one handling the mental load and you’re not pulling your fucking weight.
“Realist Man” lmaaoo k
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Except women like me we do both. I work and am the household and Kids manager. And yes my husband is in the way to learn to take the same duty and resposibility. But its a process because He saw and learned it differently in His Family. So we are getting closer. And I can recommend: make a list with all the ‘having a Home, children, car, Garden so on’ tasks you can come up. Thats what we did. And we were both asonished how much more I am doing. So it was a help for my husband, cause many things I am doing are “invisible” to him and that makes it unfair to him if I complain rather that taking a logical move in how to clarify the facts. (Sorry I am from Germany. My Englisch isnt fluent)
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Hi, I just read your comment and thought about a card game that I came across a while ago. It’s based on the book “Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky which is also about the Mental Load. It’s a game that can support you sharing your household chores and make it more fun. I haven’t tried it but am reading the book
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I work just as hard as my boyfriend, I am just as tired as he is after we both come home from a shift of 9 hours. We both go to our jobs, serve others, take lashings from our peers, customers, and supervisors, go home and do things we DO NOT want to do for the benefit of our SHARED household we BOTH LIVE IN. So I’m expected to serve someone else as soon as I come home from my own job, just because my boyfriend went through my exact same daily experience? Who is supposed to do all the chores in the house? And why is it me who has to think about my job all day, then come home and think about everything that needs to be done around the house or for the house? Am I supposed to work 24/7 for my employer AND my boyfriend (for free?)? We are just as exhausted once we’re home from work, and either no one does anything because we don’t want to “start chores serving another person so that they don’t have a mental load of their own” and the household falls apart, or I do all the work and manage my boyfriend around and continue to work once I’m in my own house because he needs to be told what to do like I’m his mother, or we both contribute to our chores when we both don’t want to because we’re both adults living under the same roof and we HELP each other because we LOVE each other. It must suck to be your partner oh my god. You sound so entitled and self centered I’m so glad I have no one like you in my life.
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Women get just as much shit from work as men do, if not more, in the form of sexual harassment and casual misogyny. Then they return home to deal with the additional mental load. If men can’t handle more than their job, maybe they should just git gud or whatever bros tell each other.
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This MIGHT work if your wife is a SAHM, but many mothers also work these days and that completely demolishes your point.
Don’t be a dick.
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Most SAHMs have a more than a full time workload taking care of children and household. If the mom has been working all day taking care of the kids, errands, meals, and cleaning, and then the dad gets home and she’s still working, cooking dinner, cleaning up, then she is working MORE than a 40 hr workweek, without pay, while he gets to relax after his 8 hr day. Both partners should contribute equally to childcare and household chores AFTER the workday, and have equal relaxation time. And of course this doesn’t even touch on the mental load. If the mom has to keep track of all the kids’ activities and appointments, the chores, the groceries, etc. and the dad needs to be told what to do in his own house and for his own kids, that’s an uneven mental workload, regardless of the time spent physically working, and both time spent working and mental workload should be equally shared, not to mention finances should be equally shared with the stay at home parent, since their full-time labor allows the other partner to go to work! Now if you’re a stay at home partner with no kids, with full childcare, or older kids who are in school all day, that’s a little different, lol.
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You missed the entire point that women also have jobs, but then come home and have to do all the work at home as well while the man “unwinds.”
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No Mike, it s not about SAHM. The «norm » in France is both are working.
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WTF how did you completely miss the point?
It’s not saying men don’t have a mental load, it never did. It’s highlighting the systemic issue of women having a LARGER mental load because they often have jobs where they have a mental load as well as all the house/child work.
This comic just wants the male partners to be more responsible for their duties in the household and not just think their responsibilities end when their job does.
It makes sense if you have a stay at home wife for her to be doing most of the housework, but you should still be helping with what you can.
I had a long physically exhausting job and I was so appreciative to have someone looking after the home while I was away and to prepare meals for me when I was home, but they’re not my slave or maid, I don’t expect them to wash my clothes and cook me dinner and then give me a blowjob before bed every single night. I’d still help with things I could when I got home but sometimes I’d just be exhausted and have to retire to bed.
That’s the trade-off. If you are working really long and hard and are the sole provider I think you have a pretty good excuse to not do much housework (if the other partner doesn’t work) as the only reason there IS housework is because you provided the house and the ability to keep living there.
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Jimbob: You’re officially awesome. 🙂
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Men like you are why I won’t let ever let another man besides my son live in my home and why I absolutely refuse to date men who don’t have their own place and refuse to get serious with them, either.
y’all are a burden.
I was running two small businesses, and working an abusive af full time job, and raising a child, and coming home and dealing with literally everything at home the last time I lived with a “man” who thought he worked hard enough at his one single job so when he came home it was time to relax.
only once in my life have i ever dated anyone who did his fair share.
so I’m done.
permanently.
My life has never been so relaxed or easy.
Or better.
There ain’t no looking back.
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Guess what? If you were single you would still have to do the chores. You’re just mad because you want a free maid
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Grow up!! This is not what this is about either and until you are in the shoes of someone raising a family then shut your mouth.
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You stupid misogynist cunt, you dont care to get a clue and this, you have no fucking clue.
You’re an ignorant, entitled asshole. Men like you are absolute trash. Go jump off a bridge.
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But women have all of that too. You’re just their supervisor that does the lashing.
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You definitely did not read this correctly… also women who work and have homes deal with the same things in the workplace as you do if not worse due to sexism.
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I don’t think any woman would want you commenting on something like that, and I can understand why.
What do you think women do at work? They also have to respond to requests from customers and serve their bosses. They complain because you don’t do anything yourself, you’re not looking for a wife but a mother who will do everything for you because you can’t take care of yourself.
With this comment, the little brat crying for a chocolate bar in the shop IS YOU!
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Woman also work darling. We experience the same things at work as you do. It might even be harder to be a woman in the workforce. Want to try this argument again?
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This is my life. What woman would knowingly add kids to this dynamic? It’s self abuse to even consider it. Thank you for putting it so eloquently. I’ve explained each part of this to my partner and he doesn’t get it, though he wants to. Maybe it’s because it’s drawn, or because it’s third-party, but it captures what I’ve been trying to say in a way I never could. I’m definitely showing this to him. I cried so hard when I discovered this because FINALLY someone else understood what I’ve been trying so hard to communicate.
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Um if your partner can’t understand facts laid out as simply as possible in a comic strip then I think you have more problems than this moron not helping with the mental load.
He’s either bullshittimg you or is dumber than a spade. Either way, I hope you have some self respect and leave your knuckle dragger for greener pastures.
Being single is so much better than being with a misogynist. I don’t know why this is do hard to comprehend for so many women. Stop being a doormat, kick the deadweight to the curb and put yourself first. or don’t, and continue on in your pathetic existence tied to a misogynist. It’s 100% up to you. HAVE STANDARDS!
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I agree its frustrating, but there are lots of reasons people stay in harmful, unfair or misogynistic relationships. Many of them are valid reasons and/or represent social or psychological issues underneath. I think there’s actually a lot of overlap with the reasons people stay in much more abusive/violent relationships. You can see the hotline resources if you’re equally confused about that, https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/why-people-stay-in-an-abusive-relationship/.
People in these situations need more compassion and support not less. I don’t achieve that level of compassion all (or possibly even most) of the time but its good to keep in mind.
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Men do have their own mental loads.
The post is about women who may be working full-time they do all of the planning all of the meal preparing all of the child care and child rearing. Women who just want a break. Women who want some assistance without having to ask for it. So this is not addressing all men. There are men who are very aware and involved.
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The author literally says, “If you already do your share of the load, that’s great!!” and then makes the point that even if you and your partner split the workload evenly, it still behooves you to advocate for things like paid maternity/paternity leave and normalizing men taking off just as much time as women when they have a new baby. It’s absolutely insane that even though she basically literally addressed your point, you STILL felt the need to come here and whine about “nOt aLL mEn!!?!!one!!”
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No it says “that’s great!”
“BUT, not according to their partners”
So it’s encouraging discussion between partners about this issue and even though the men might think they are doing their fair share it doesn’t matter if their partner doesn’t agree.
These comments from that person are pointless and they just aren’t understanding but most people online don’t, they think when you say something you are attacking them and they feel the need to defend.
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Imagine making this statement: “We go to our jobs, serve others, take lashings from our peers, customers, and supervisors, go home and are expected to walk right in the door and start chores serving another person…” not realizing that this is the standard for the majority of women today and it being the basis for your argument against this article.
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Yeap, he described an average woman’s life perfectly LOL.
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An average *humans life.
That literally has nothing to do with gender and more to do with what kind of work you do and how much shit you’re willing to take.
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THE REALEST. And you made all the misogynistic @sshats cry, so bonus.
This is 100% true.
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Here is where I struggle with this…I’m perceptive enough to understand that isn’t actually about the task, it’s about the feeling of being overwhelmed. Hence the “mental” part of the mental load. I understand that, so, if you’re a man reading this, trying to argue a tit-for-tat on “well I do these things” will never work. It’s about feelings, not tasks.
Until it becomes about tasks.
Here is an example: I like to think I’m a pretty involved dad. My young daughter needed her diaper changed. So I started changing it, and as babies do, they get fussy and don’t want to be still. So my wife comes in and helps me change her. I didn’t ask for this help. And I’m like “I got it.” And she says, literally, “it’s a two person job.” (It isn’t.) So, who decides how many people are needed for a job? Managers.
And this happens over and over. I don’t *want* to live in a messy house, so I will clean up, I’m happy to. I was raised mostly by my mom; the marriage did not last long. So I definitely know how to clean and prep, and take care of kids (oldest of three). So when I am trying to do something, and I’m told I’m either doing the wrong thing (priority) or doing things in the wrong way, of course I’m going to learn to defer to you. Then when I say “how can I help,” I’m told I shouldn’t defer to my partner. I don’t think you can have it both ways.
I try to encourage my wife to go out with her friends, go to conferences for business (she earns much more than I do, so her career growth is essential for our growth as a family), take a girls trip etc. When she goes away, it’s usually easier for me to take care of everything because I can do it without feeling like I’m being hassled. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself and our two kids and don’t need help.
I’m just incredibly frustrated by this concept and its application, or maybe there really is just too much to do for parents of young kids. If you’re not a deadbeat dad I think a more subtle approach would be helpful, but nothing seems to work.
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Thanks for adding your experience, I feel like this helps expand the conversation. Curious how conversations between you two at home about this go. There’s lots to change – in all of our minds and ways, not just ‘men’s’.
And what you shared is also a known part of people in the modern day trying to reshuffle these kinds of old role models.
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If she’s in the habit of taking care of more things, she’s going to feel on the hook for taking care of those things. Even if you can do it, she will feel and compulsively assist, and that comes from being responsible for more to begin with. She earns much more than you? This tends to support my theory.
The statement that it’s about feelings is condescending. It’s about actual work. Thoughts and planning. The engineering of our days, if you will. Women plan and Engineer and execute so much.
If you don’t like the way we are doing something… then communicate. We can’t read your minds.
😉
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Josh, here’s the reason you’re having a problem with this: you’re trying to apply a general, social problem to your personal situation. Yes, I know, feminists coined the phrase “the personal is political,” and there are good reasons to adopt that standpoint, but what you are describing – a kind of catch 22 for sensitive men caught between the personal and political – is not something that can be resolved by the political, and it’s not fair to blame the political for not resolving your interpersonal problems.
The real issue you seem to have is that your wife doesn’t act like she trusts you enough to take care of the house & kids without her input. Now, maybe she takes this view because she has been taught (by her family or community) that women are supposed to be the house managers and take care of everything so she thinks it’s her job to make your life easier by “helping” you – so she doesn’t see that her behavior isn’t helping, it’s controlling and also perpetuating the problem. Or maybe she is so worn out by the mental load she’s carrying that she’s worried that if you don’t do something the way she knows it will work that it’s easier for her to just do it herself or micromanage you. For example, perhaps the baby always fusses if there’s too much powder in her clean diapers, so when she sees you changing and the baby fussing, she might rush over to help to forestall a 20 min crying jag she knows will result if the diapering isn’t done with specific precision. There may be effects that you aren’t aware of – not because you’re absent or dumb, just because you can’t see everything that she sees.
And vice versa. There may be plenty that you see that she doesn’t. Maybe the baby only fusses over the powder when your wife does the diapering, for example. But because the baby and you have a different relationship, you can use as much powder as you like and the baby won’t fuss. OR maybe the baby will learn to stop fussing when it is regularly subjected to a different diapering process. But your wife doesn’t see that – or prevents it from becoming – because she jumps in to “help” before you “do it wrong.”
There are more and less sympathetic explanations for your wife’s behavior. Maybe she’s just naturally a dominant personality and is used to telling people what to do. Or maybe she really doesn’t trust you. Only she can answer that. And I truly hope that she is self-aware and sensitive enough to see herself from your perspective. But regardless, however you resolve your communication problem with your wife, it will not solve the overall socio-political problem of the lack of parity overall between men and women. But it will go some small way, perhaps, to changing the lessons that your children learn about so-called men’s & women’s roles. Which may, in turn, work to lessen the inequality between men & women for the next generation.
And that’s how the personal is political – the personal changes you make will affect the next generation. Not every man was raised by a single mother and learned how to care for children by necessity. But if more men like you work with the women they love to create better parity in the home, then even men who were not raised by single mothers will learn how to take responsibility in the home and then society *will* change.
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As the comic says “role reversal is the most effective”
What you are saying is one of the biggest issues with this discussion, a lot of the time the women take it on themselves to be the manager and don’t let you help, usually this is because of a bit of neuroticism, like my mother always had to step in when I was baking, and take over.
There was nothing wrong with how I was mixing ingredients, she just wanted to do it her way, and that’s just one example ofc.
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Moatly agree with the comic and lost one marriage to being that guy.
I am much less so now, though my wife tends to insist on telling me HOW to do the tasks I take on.
It’s called gatekeeping and women who have borne the mental load burden sometimes carry it forward into subsequent relationships and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Letting go of the manager role and see what happens. Maybe chaos would descend and that would be a good issue to confront.
Fight fair folks :-)
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My partner often stands by the dishwasher, opens it and shouts to me through the appartment: ARE THE DISHES WASHED???
What? XD I’ve already told him like 5 times: you’re literally seeing this, how could I know? And he still asks.
At the same time I’m really scared to send him this. I fear being gaslighted just like the ‘wise men’ in the comments just go further into their egoistic thinking instead of taking the point. I don’t want to argue who has worse in life. He doesn’t sit in my head. Before I encountered the term ‘mental load’ I was thinking about noting all my thoughts related to our life throughout the day.
I have no idea how to communicate this.
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So sorry ! It makes me laugh so much imagining the scene but I empathize 🙂
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Yeah I’m laughing too but the absurdity! The comic summed up my long journey of thinking about this. I always was the ‘nagging person’ and he made me feel bad for it. It was ME who had to do the work: do the research, change, work on myself. I knew nagging is not cool and it made me nervous too, but not nagging didn’t seem to be a right solution. I had two mindbreakers: first was when I read ‘it’s not about helping, it’s about taking responsibility’ and the second one was ‘it’s a home of you both, he decides he wants to be messy, you gotta compromise’. The second sentence helped me in times I didn’t want to do things for him. We have a very long (detailed) list of chores and I’ve been asking for a year so he puts it in his todoist so he gets reminders… The third revelation was the term ‘mental load’ and it let me really stop certain behaviors or change my reactions. What shocked me, he got really angry a few times. Like when I reminded him “when you finish something, please put it on the shopping list”, and asked for acknowledgement. He said “yeah yeah A REPRIMAND to put something on the list, like cleaning up a spilled coffee”. Yeah I’m the mom for my 15 year old husband. Well! Working on this. I’d love to see more materials for childless couples. We only have animals. But still the mental load is enormous. I told him once (long time ago, like 9 years ago, in the beginnings of our relationship) I don’t want to have children with him because everything would be on my mind. He got offended. Yeah, he felt bad. But didn’t change anything lol.
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It literally says in the comic “role reversal is usually more successful than confrontation”
You should send it to your partner, but if he can’t look at a dish to see if it’s clean he might just be absolutely useless.
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A cartoon I once saw still amuses me and sometimes I wonder why more women (I am one, myself) don’t try putting the idea into action:
A man arrives home and is upset to find his wife comfortably lounging on a sofa with a book and a drink handy (or something like that; it’s been decades since I saw the cartoon), while the rest of the home is a wreck all around her. Maybe a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink, for example, stuff lying on the floor; you get the idea. He says, “What have you been doing all day?” And the wife replies, “Today I decided to do what you always claim that I do all day!”
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honey he sounds like a complete pos
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This is brilliant. Too bad for the negative comments. Your work brings awareness to what many ‘good girls’ feel the need to keep quiet and carry on. Keep sharing our truth!
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I showed this to my partner. He said it didn’t apply to us because he works. I work too. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.
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You need to make it clear to your partner that he isn’t understanding and that this is a big issue for you and if it doesn’t get resolved you are going to leave.
As it says in the comic “role reversal can be more effective than confrontation” so just tell him if it’s not such a big deal, we’ll swap duties!
If you both work the same amount, you should both have similar workload around the house.
But hopefully if he sees what you are having to do after work, and he struggles with it, he’ll be able to empathize and understand what you are going through.
Have you sent him this comic?
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“I don’t know how much longer I can take this.” Honey, don’t take it. It’s clear that what you’re in isn’t a partnership, it’s an arrangement in which he believes that he is exempt from sharing the workload despite the fact that you’re both working adults. You know what I like to call that? “Fantasy land.”
If you want to give him a taste of his own medicine, stop doing the extras. Don’t clean up after him, take care of you and children (if you have one/multiple), do not remind him of meetings, errands, etc. Men need to be slapped with the reality of the situation, and when he complains (because he will), make note that everything he sees is attributed to his existence. Do not begin to clean up. Do not cave.
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yasss girl you go queen slay
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Women have a proclivity for only being able to see the work they do and absolutely nothing that anyone else does. How many times do you mow the lawn or take out the trash or clean the gutters, clean the car, salt/plough the driveway, change the oil on the car or take it to get serviced? Moan, moan, moan moan. Move to Asia and have a look at what a real woman achieves.
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😂🤣😂
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Hello The_price_is_right
So you:
Mow the lawn – every 2 weeks
Take out the trash – once a week
Clean the gutters – once a month
clean the car – every 2 weeks
salt / plough the driveway – Sometimes daily in winter
change the oil in the car – once every 6 – 12 months
Take it to get serviced – once a year
How many times do you:
Cook meals for others – daily
Prepare school lunches – daily
Help the kids with homework – daily
Drop the kids / pick up the kids from school or child care – Daily
Miss paid work to look after a sick child – 1 – 2 times a month
Leave work early to take a child or an elderly relative to a doctors appointment, dentist appointment etc – Once a month
Wash, dry and fold the laundry – weekly
Wash, dry and put away the dishes – 1-2 daily
Grocery shop – weekly
Plan meals – daily / weekly
Change nappies – 5-6 times a day
Bath and dress the kids – daily
Tidy up after others – 1-2 daily
Organise play dates for the kids – weekly
Feed, look after the pet – daily
Rush home from work to cook dinner – Daily
Book in household repairs / pay bills / home maintenance – weekly
AND
Mow the lawn – every 2 weeks
Take out the trash – once a week
Clean the gutters – once a month
clean the car – every 2 weeks
salt / plough the driveway – Sometimes daily in winter
change the oil in the car – once every 6 – 12 months
Take it to get serviced – once a year
I know what list I prefer.
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I will answer these for my husband. How often does he:
Mow the lawn? Never. He outsources all yardwork to a gardener. Interestingly, we “never have money for things that will make my life easier like frozen/prepared foods,” but we have $250/month for a gardener.
Take out the trash? Never. My kids and I do this. If i go out of town or to the hospital, I will come back to piles of overloaded trash in the kitchen, even just thrown straight on the floor. I will then need to mop, clean the grout, clean the wall, the trash can, etc.
Clean the gutters? Not once. According to him, this is unnecessary and I like to do work for no reason.
Clean the car? Never. He just throws his trash on the passenger seat, floor, or backseat. I can’t even get him to stop throwing half-eaten burgers and straw wrappers in my car. Sometimes he will even take the trash from his car and just throw it in mine, even though our outside trash cans are RIGHT next to where he parks his car.
Salt the driveway? Not once. He works from home so ice is irrelevant to him.
Change the oil? He hires a service to come to the house. But who actually arranged it? I did, after he hadn’t changed his oil for 30,000 miles. I take my own car and my kids take theirs to get serviced.
And who pays for all this? I will generously say 50/50 but I earn more than him.
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“I will come back to piles of overloaded trash in the kitchen, even just thrown straight on the floor”
What kind of animal are you living with?
Seeing as you seem to do everything and make more money, what exactly is he for? Seriously. He just seems to add more stress to your life.
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This sounds like weaponised incompetence
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“Sometimes he will even take the trash from his car and just throw it in mine, even though our outside trash cans are RIGHT next to where he parks his car”.
Wow. The level of disrespect is amazing. He treats you like s–t. Men don’t listen to words but action. Stop doing a damn thing for him. Cook for yourself and the children. Wash only your clothes and their clothes. Do you have friends, relatives who can take the children, while you go away and plan your next move? I’m serious.
This man is resentful and angry at you because you make more money than him and he’s acting out.
This isn’t going to get any better.
Plan with this in mind.
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Why are you living with this person? This situation is abusive. Find out how you can safely leave, but read The Gift of Fear first. Good luck.
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Managing and completing day-to-day tasks around the home cannot compare to cleaning gutters, ,mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, cleaning your car, salting/ plowing your driveway and changing the oil in your car.
Trash gets taken out approximately once a week, mowing the lawn is something I do once a week. Cleaning out the car is done once a week or when I think about it. Oil Changers are done every 3 to 5,000 miles. Cleaning out the gutters isn’t done every week. Salting plowing the driveway in the winter I may do that everyday depending on how much snow we get otherwise it’s not a daily thing.
Women are not moaning and complaining they want a partner, not another child.
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Actual Asian woman raised by Asian parents. Don’t speak for us. Even if you are an Asian man (and I’m pretty sure you’re not), still don’t speak for us.
Don’t use our labor to throw other women under the bus. We don’t like lazy men, either.
Also: Asian women are not as ignorant as western men tend to think. You all seem to believe we’ll be impressed by your whiteness and your middling salaries. You go overseas as a sex tourist and believe you can purchase the perfect, subserviant Asian wife as if we were cars.
But then these same western men find that they are NOT READY to be an actual patriarch with patriarch responsibilities. Hilarious.
They’re not ready to:
— Pay dowry to the bride’s family (which exists BECAUSE men are unreliable and can run off after the marriage, leaving her with the kids).
— Have a wife that doesn’t contribute financially to the household AT ALL. Any money she earns from a job is her spending money.
— Financially support her parents and also her relatives.
— Pay for the kids’ education including their university 100%
— On top of doing the chores more typically expected of men.
They’re not ready lol. And 11/10 when they actually successfully bring a women over, the woman doesn’t actually love them and are with them for financial reasons/green card. And these are typically women who are in desperate circumstances already. Do you truly think these women want to up and leave behind their family, friends, homes, and communities for YOU? Ha!
MRA passport bros stay getting scammed by their mail order brides all day lol
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Interesting comic but I couldn’t relate to these scenarios in relationships. I know these types of relationships exist out there. Maybe I could say my grandparents are a bit like this. But this really hit home when looking at several of my ex roomates (all women by chance) who paradoxically could only ever do one step of chores at the absolute last moment causing them to be constantly stressed as their life falls apart. I wonder if it’s common for one party to take advantage of the fact the other party actually maintains the home to not do any further steps in maintenance than the current most necessary step.
I think if I saw that situation in an actual relationship I would really question the reasoning of the person staying with the non-maintainer. If they can’t live on their own without you successfully then the only true option is to let them sink or swim. Maybe the relationship between women more often taking on the maintainer role and also being the ones to more often initiate divorce and take parental responsibilities afterwards.
I think women have a bias to take on caretaking responsibilities but I think the real question is why do so many people feel that they need to be caretaken rather than playing an active role.
There’s an ongoing problem with men finding themselves increasingly single, but they also seem to be stuck in incompetence loops. I think the biggest part is that society literally doesn’t teach men how to live independently other than monetarily.
I think the real most important thing to do is to make sure you give young men the opportunity to take on mentor and leadership roles outside of work. Roles where they have to taken maintenance. I think women often have tot take these roles by default due to initially small biases but by the time we become adults we actually have the experience.
Still wish the author didn’t lean in so hard on her own pretty small bubble of experiences. I see these relationships play out in much more complex forms in the real world than presented here as a woman super hero taking care of everyone around them and with no awareness of how the situation came to be.
One doesn’t simply accidentally become a mother to children with a deadbeat husband. At least not like it use to be when an accidental pregnancy meant a quick marriage to a near stranger.
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I’m confused. Are you saying that you do more than your share and your partner does not appreciate you? Then instead of taking offense, wouldn’t you empathize as You are the person carrying the bigger mental load in your relationship? Or are you triggered because you exhibit the self-centered behaviors in the comic that people are bashing on? All partners deserve to feel cared for and appreciated; people are calling out the imbalance and how it hurts them. If you/we are unfulfilled in your/our relationship, it’s ok to speak up and ask for what you/we want.
Neither of us can define a “real woman” or “real man”. We were born into geopolitical constructs and have been doing our best. But when we learn better, we should do better.
I am an Asian-American woman who was born in Asia–do not pit us against anyone. My mom has always overextended herself for her kids and neglectful husband, and I hate it. As an adult, I see myself being the project manager in my own relationships, and I’m resentful. We’re not trying to oppress men, we just want to be more fulfilled!
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what utter malarky. some choose to buy overpackaged cleaning products and fret about stuff. others grok our skim is a pretty good barrier and the kids will probably do fine without being helicoptered.
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Je suis assez époustouflée par certains de ces commentaires…clairement, votre excellente BD a dû être postée sur un réseau de trolls misogynes qui ont décidé qu’ils n’avaient rien de mieux à faire que de perdre leur temps à se défouler ici. Eh beh!
Perso j’ai trouvé que cette BD était excellente et représente une dynamique qu’une large majorité de femmes peut reconnaître, malheureusement. Merci pour votre travail, que je vais me tâcher d’explorer plus!
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A lot of times when you initiate the help it doesn’t work the way the other person who needed help want it.
I had a lot of examples when i tried to help but the other person didn’t appreciate it.
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We know this happens and it sucks to feel unappreciated no matter who you are.
However
Firstly, you doing chores isn’t ‘helping’ unless you not doing them is the default or you’ve already agreed to share a task or tasks in a certain way and are taking on more for some reason. This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault but it highlights the biases and systemic inequalities at play here.
Consider if your actions were; appropriate for the relationship stage, competent and done in a way that avoided insulting, put upon or passive-aggressive (body)language.
If not, did you try to learn and improve? Have you talked about and come to a compromise about the standards you as a couple want to hold the house to?
If you honestly tick those boxes then think about why your partner took over or wasn’t appreciative. There’s all kinds of reasons it could be, many of which also highlight the existence of systemic inequalities or her history of experience with those inequalities.
An example is that maybe her experience growing up tells her that men are disorganized and incompetent at household tasks and will break things or always do tasks badly. Maybe she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it.
You can only really know by communicating with her.
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TOTALLY TOTALLY AGREE!
“Just ask, I’ll do whatever you want.”
LOOK AROUND YOU, WHAT LOOKS LIKE IT NEEDS DOING
“What can I do to help?”
THE SAME THINGS THAT I TELL YOU TO DO EVERY TIME YOU ASK THAT QUESTION.
“Where’s…?”
YOU MEAN THE THING YOU GOT OUT OF THE CUPBOARD?
I even made master lists for: having guests over, day trips, vacations, etc., because it aggravated the hell out of me to keep going over the same routine. Having to think everything out, stop what I’m doing, give instructions (including WHERE something is – HOW LONG HAVE YOU LIVED HERE!?) disrupts my thought process and the way I organize various things.
It’s all BS because you know he doesn’t have to be told what to do at work every single day. He does it AND even thinks beyond the task at hand so as to keep things organized and flowing smoothly.
Even if your mother was the great organizer (mine was), I emulate that skill and so does my brother.
No amount of conversation, list making, bitching, or sarcastic rhetorical questions have made much difference. It is a choice to disengage and not do anything until asked.
I could go on and on about how there is no mystery here.
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Weaponized incompetence at its finest.
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100% in the same shoes.
The issue I have is that he “goes to work” and I don’t. I run the house, do the childcare, carry all the mental load and run a small business from home.. but I think to him that is not equal to going to work and earning the money.
It’s exhausting
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Sounds like you live in my house LOL.
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Giving a woman manage tasks isn’t it an evolutionary thing? I mean it’s not just one settlement but several settlements did the same. And 1000s of years of evolution made task management much easier for women than men. There’s also the biological factor in it.
Same for men, why must all or most physical work be only given to men? If the task management is “mental load” to women, then isn’t this “physical load” to men?
Today we don’t have many indivïdual physical work, we don’t need to build a hut/cave by ourselves, so the physical work became much less. So it’s alright to share your mental load, but to expect the other person to automatically take up tasks and easily ignoring the evolutionary trait is ridiculous. This is what’s wrong with feminism, not able to see in both side.
Give it time and soon both men and women would share this mental and physical work, but at the same time it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take advantage of our differences.
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You are laughable Nomskar and I hope all women stay well away from pathetic men like you who try to justify their uselessness using “primal” caveman excuses.
You’re such a waste of space and it would be hilarious if it wasn’t true. Men like you should be airdropped onto their own pathetic island so us women don’t need to wipe your asses and play mommy.
Can’t believe you even wrote that all out thinking you had a lef to stand on. You disgust me.
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Wow! Thank you so much for this! I’ve often felt so guilty about being so frustrated (and therefore often in a bad mood), and always thought it was because I was just too perfectionistic. But this has opened my eyes. You’ve pointed it out very aptly. I hope that many more people will see your comics and that we can learn from it.
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I’m a guy and I can say this is all very true. And I can tell from experience, because in my relationship I’m that woman in this article. My partner does almost nothing, unless I ask her. There’s no initiative. If I have an accident some day and have to stay in bed for a week, I can already imagine her coming to me and asking “what should I do to help?”, instead of just cleaning what’s dirty and go buy what’s missing. Sigh. I’m glad someone wrote this, I guess I”ll try using it to explain how exhausting it is for me.
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These concerns are valid
Sometimes am scared though as too many women tend to abuse equality when they find one. And once a woman start calculating the details of her sacrifices in a relationship, she’s low key tired already. I am not very sure a relationship with the opposite gender is ever meant to be equal. Most women even agree to enter a relationship in the first place only when they sense that the man is smarter, richer , stronger and generally better than they are… so what’s the equality about?
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This is basically rage farming; looking for something to be mad about. When he plans the vacation, there will be a condescending cartoon about how men can’t plan vacations properly. When he buys the groceries, the ladies of Instagram will post photos of the non-perfect produce he bought or the generic tomato sauce. When he does the dishes, the spatulas won’t be in the correct spot and the wives will take to Facebook to in hopes of getting likes on their sarcastic dig on their husbands incompetence.
“women are the only ones who manage the household.” GMAFB! Based on this you’d think single or gay men would just be wandering around aimlessly wondering how to feed and clothe themselves. How do they manage without a woman?!!!
Next up a cartoon on how women are the ones who bare the emotional load… then the sexual load, and on and on, endless self pity, grandiose self praise and clicks. Just more clicks!!!
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Reads like a typical feminist. Not every situation is cookie-cutter and gender-locked. Roles are often reversed in today’s world. The husband is not always the perpetrator.
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Gah!! I know this post is older, but it is timely for me. I had planned to go to a mid-day movie this weekend with my mom & sister. My son needed to be dropped off at a friend’s house at 2pm. We ate breakfast about 8am & I left at 11am. (My husband forgot I was going out until I reminded him during breakfast.) My husband dropped our son off WITHOUT FEEDING HIM LUNCH FIRST. Husband came home and ate lunch HIMSELF after dropping off our kid. His defense was, “I thought he would have lunch there.” It had been a few days ago, but I had forwarded a text from the hosting mom reading “we will have DINNER AFTER we play mini golf.” (caps are mine, not mom’s) So in addition to making sure my husband had the correct address & the drop off time, I also needed to tell him TO FEED THE KIDS?? We’ve had them for 10+ years now, and we consistently eat lunch between noon & 1pm on weekends.
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Oh wow this is so validating. I’m actually in a gender reversed version of this situation (which I think is probably at least partly related to having grown up with a stay at home dad, so my social model for what genders do what work isn’t exactly normative), and while it doesn’t have the same extra patriarchal sting to it, it is exhausting. Earlier this year, I had a surgical procedure, and leading up to the day of all I could think about was ‘oh but the house is going to get so disgusting, she’s not going to eat properly if I’m not cooking, I know I shouldn’t because I need this for my health but what if I cancelled it’. I think people who don’t take on the bulk of the mental load really underestimate the level of burnout it can cause.
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50/50 Mentality is detrimental to marriage and to a family! Both parties should strive for 100/100. After all, if you aren’t giving something 100%, is it really that important to you? It is the “50/50” mentality that makes us men so lazy at home, we think we have done our “50% share” outside of the house and assume the rest that needs to be done is the other “50%”. That’s when our wives end up doing “150%”…
This comic strip provides some good perspective. It’s easy to perceive this happening with others, but it’s good to be reminded that it’s also happening in your own home, at least to some extent. I thank you, on behalf of myself and my wife… now let me go clear that darn table! 😅
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Just reading these comments is emotional labor! 😉
This topic is triggering for many commenters who become emotionally reactive when contemplating emotional labor. It’s apparently a hot-button issue that some would prefer to remain invisible.
Thanks for your thoughtful creation and for giving a voice to this issue!
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First, thank you for saying this all out loud!!! Second, shame on those who have commented negative things, like suggesting that this isn’t reality for millions or that your head is somewhere unpleasant (they’re the ones wearing them as hats). My husband and I are not super old fashioned, and we’re both in our 30s, and even though I believe it isn’t intentional, this is a great description of the work load in our home.
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wow, I need to reconfigure some things in my life… thanks
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I love this! I don’t know a single woman out there that doesn’t feel this exact way. Comical to see so many men or more traditional women triggered in the comments; I don’t envy their lives nor partners they’ve been stuck with. My partner and I are working through it and fortunately I’m with the type of man that’s actually confident and intelligent enough to be willing to make the world a better place for me and other women. This comment section tells me that not all men fit into that category ;). Wanting equal rights for ourselves doesn’t mean taking your rights away, although it might require a little more brain power on your end than you’re used to!
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Yeah this is a result of all the patriarchal junk and social conditioning of what it means to “be a man” or “be a woman” (always in relation to a man, in that way of thinking).
I think the way around this is through self-assertion and EQUAL communication of needs. If partners are not taking equal levels of initiative (as mutually perceived!), then there is necessarily going to be a power imbalance where someone leads and the other has their needs unexpressed. If those needs are unmet, then that person is going to become resentful. Usually, unexpressed needs are going to be unmet, because nobody can read minds!
It’s when we don’t communicate, don’t allow ourselves to be known, and succumb to obligation (rather than responsibility) that we sell our souls away to the shackles of roles, lack of understanding, and distrust. (i.e. “traditional” marriage ideals). I hope that we can steer ourselves towards the kindness, compassion, and understanding that underlie love, trust, and the responsibility towards those that we care about.
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Thanks to this comic creator, Emma. Your work is much relatable and valid after many years. This comic reflects my modern marriage mental load. I won’t add more to the above comments confirming this reality. I’m just going to add that I am another confirming living evidence! And, no one can disagree with my reality.
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To make clear before I comment: I am a man, I am highly educated (PhD) and I believe I am a caring and compassionate person so I believe I help out a lot (my wife always tells me I do). However I do believe she has 70% of the mental load for the household and children etc. But I do not agree that this situation is due to culture and society. There is an innate biological difference between men and women, and that means that the situation will always be in the way you have described. Yes men can help more but it’s innate that they are better at other things, and women naturally run the household. We have provided our children with the same toys but the girl and boys okay differently and I can see that there is a biological difference at play.
Feminism has created untold misery across the world. To be a ‘stay at home mum’ is looked down upon in western society as less than a working woman, and a normal family can no longer survive with just one parent working. The capitalists now have double the workforce so can reduce the wages. I move in many male only circles, and while most men nowadays talk and behave like they agree with general feminist principles, they don’t actually believe any of that rubbish. I am not a fan of the right wing in politics, but I see the inevitability of forms of it coming to power everywhere. A reset is required, but will cause horrible misery and killing. Thanks feminists
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It’s strange that when men are in the army, they can fulfil those domestic tasks.
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phd in what , being an incel??
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How men and women see household and household chores chores are naturally very different.
Consider a men’s workplace if he works from home or he’s a handyman or he’s doing some work. To a woman that would be an absolute mess, with random bits and pieces and useless stuff. But a man always knows where his 10/14 wrench is. The woman comes in, sees this mess, puts some stuff where she thinks it belongs and throws the other stuff away (maybe a few $100 of tools and work). The man, after such act, will be rightfully angry and furious.
Now consider women’s laundry. There is wool stuff, there is cotton stuff, there is glitter stuff, there is synthetic stuff, there is stuff that is “hand-wash” only, there is stuff that can’t be washed, there is stuff that can’t be washed with detergent, there is stuff that has to be ironed right after washing, there is stuff that can be tumble dried, there is stuff that can’t be, there is stuff that needs to be placed in special bag before washing etc. In comes a man, and at “inspired” by this article, only sees a pile of laundry and throws it all into the washing machine, ruining a few $100 of dresses and clothes. Do you think the wife will be happy? Would any of you be happy if men ruined your expensive dresses because he wanted “to do better”? Or would you be rightfully furious?
The division of labor existed through the dawn of time. Some people do some things, other do other things. They do what comes natural and get better at doing that. Normally, women do the chores, and men do the craftsmanship. There are, of course, inverse situations. The woman could be doing the craftsmanship and the man doing the chores. The woman fixing the plumbing and hanging up shelves, the man separating the colors and cleaning in every nook and cranny he can get to. That could work too.
Or you could suggest a more “egalitarian”, but less efficient approach. Where both do 50% of each other’s house work including chores and craftsmanship. But I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone doing it like that.
But to suggest that men, in addition to the house work they provide, also have to do your part of the housework, but most importantly do it up to your standard, is wrong. I can assure you that most men can do the housework you mention, but their standards are less. Not having a clean shirt won’t be a big deal to them. Having clean dishes in the dishwasher won’t be a big deal. Having dust bunnies behind their bed? Also no big deal, because men don’t care about such stuff.
There really aren’t much options if you consider this approach. Either find a man that has a high standard for things you value, try to bring up some of their standards to yours so they can strive to achieve them (could be through explanation, reasoning, scheduling, ergonomics, etc) or delegate some tasks to them that they can execute quite well (like grocery shopping or cooking for adults).
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“Normally, women do the chores, and men do the craftsmanship“.
Wow. Just. Wow. How to devalue a “Woman’s Work” in 10 words.
I bet that if men did the majority of household “chores”, you’d call it something else: let’s say “advanced domestic management”.
I’m convinced that most men barely see women as human or not as deserving of basic respect.
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You make valid points about the average difference in standards and how couples should discuss this and either come to a comfortable compromise or move on. However, you might be missing a few things;
Firstly, the comic (and most of the comments supporting it) is talking about the situation where both parties work and the man either won’t do any chores/planning or does up to 50% of the chores but no household planning. It simply advocates for acknowledging the often invisible mental load and splitting it more evenly or making up for it some other way.
It also points out how men often think they’re doing ‘well’ or ‘equal’ without realizing they aren’t because they don’t see or believe the effort the woman is putting in.
Secondly, standards and expectations are socially driven in themselves. Women are taught- either directly or through experience and comparing themselves with others- that they need to be clean and make sure their house is well kept to be a good woman, partner and/or mother. Men with low standards usually didn’t get that message or pressure impressed on them.
That’s before you consider the many men who have fairly high standards for cleanliness or organization but won’t take responsibility for an even split of all the work because they’ve learnt they can just wait it out. These people may well be comparing themselves to and learning from older role models and often will pat themselves on the back for doing anything around the house at all.
Also, a related message for both genders. Just because you don’t value something for yourself, doesn’t mean you’re free to ignore your partner’s value for it. If your partner expresses discomfort around something you are or aren’t doing, you should be willing to to listen, discuss and place some more of your own value on that issue because of their discomfort. This is part of the upkeep cost of a healthy relationship, where its then reciprocated along other routes so both partners are getting care where they need it most. The effort to brainstorm comfortable and equitable compromise/solutions should also be shared and not placed entirely on the ‘aggrieved’ party.
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You actually think it IS ‘women’s laundry’, don’t you? And apparently that women are born with some magical innate ability to read laundry labels that you poor men just can’t master.
You invented a scenario of an apparently extremely dense woman wandering around a man’s workplace moving his stuff and throwing away valuable work and tools JUST so you can justify choosing to be incompetent when it comes to reading laundry labels that tell you exactly what to do with each piece of laundry. It’s not rocket science. You can google a laundry guide to find out what the symbols mean just like the rest of us, dumb-dumb.
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I’d also add that most men don’t do the “craftsmanship” either unless they’re professionals and get paid for it.
And the example of a woman getting rid of her partner’s tools is a nonsensical one. Most women will just keep away from that stuff.
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I was going to share this with my kids as it makes some good points … but I’m the male in the house, and evidently only women have this issue. It’s a pity, the point is valid but clearly being seen through a filter here.
So many issues are people being people, but women think they only apply to women and men think they only apply to men …
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Literally nobody here has gone off on men in the comments saying they have these issues with their wives in an inverse situation. That’s because weaponized incompetence isn’t gender specific. It’s just more common for men to be the ones displaying it in the household and around domestic chores because many societies enable or encourage it.
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I agree with Kalesthenes and Frederico. I am a woman. I am an immigrant woman. I carry a daily mental load. My husband helps me a lot – just like in Emma’s comics. Does of reality bites.
there is no solution. It is a puzzle since beginning till end of time. In the meantime, capitalists will make good use of all the fools. Enjoy!
Thank you Emma.
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It happens in indian subcontinent and most of south east asia, emma was a wrong choice perhaps emmarti or some other indian name would have resonated well. The story is not over the top and yes most of indian households have these scenarios. It was very good write up and a nice punch in the gut of an average indian male. Kudos and keep writing.
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I’m a man and this was exactly my life in reverse for 20 years. I’ve never been able to articulate it as well as this cartoon lol. I was frequently stuck in this type of conversation:
Me: “Please (get up off the couch and) help”
Her: “What should I do”.
Me: “Help figure out what needs to be done”
I believe part of it is a form of being self-centered, and oblivious to what your spouse (or anyone else) is going through. Frequently when you are handling everything because it’s important and they are laying on the couch and it needs to be done so fine I’ll just handle it…they then twist it into accusing you of being controlling so they can have an excuse. I finally couldn’t take it anymore, even for my children, and left her. Now my life is so much better. I’m a single parent now and my life is no more work than it was when I was married. Well… less work actually because it’s like having one less child.
Ladies…don’t tolerate it. And men like me in the same situation as so many ladies…don’t tolerate it. Be open, honest, blunt, not mean. And if things don’t change then they aren’t going to change, and get the f out.
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Wow, some folks are getting pretty heated in the comments. Gender essentialism is not a place I generally recommend going, because you will without fail make some nasty assumptions.
I really appreciated the comic. I think it provides a useful reference point and common language to describe some forms of labor that are common to every household (at least one person ensuring food continues to be available and safe to consume, at least one person making sure they can reuse clothing when it begins to smell by washing it in some fashion, ensuring that basic needs are met, etc. Add kids to the mix and the forms of labor multiply intensely.
I am a woman and have ADHD and no kids, and am in a relationship with another woman, and we have both struggled to balance these tasks. I think it helped that there was no gendered “default” person for any one thing, so we really had to think about it and hash out how to make sure everything necessary was handled without one person being overburdened systemically. We definitely had our share of struggles around it!
Having this comic as a reference provided both some perspective and a common language to talk about how to divide up the different things. The important thing is to come to a system that works for each partner in the relationship, which also takes care of the bare minimum as viewed by each partner, and not to set anybody up for failure.
Hoping it is useful to other folks as well!
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(I’m a straight male). My mum’s got schizophrenia since I can remember. The violent one. So basically my unconditionally-loving-dad let her live as she like meanwhile he had to do everything alone. Cooking, do the dishes, laundry, cleaning the house, getting us to school. No maid, no nanny. Also he worked full time. My siblings and I helped occasionally.
When I’m away for college I realized that all of my guy pals don’t have the basic skills to maintain a proper living space. They’re all slobs. They can’t cook. They can’t clean. They’re frustrating to see actually. Superficial stuff could grind my gears. At the same time, I feel lucky my late father had taught me so much.
And I’m completely agreeing with everything here. I saw firsthand that most guys are spoiled slobs. But life is stranger than fiction. I’m not even lying: my beautiful wife is a slob/hoarder.
I always had to ask her to do something around the house, then she instantly forget everything I’d told her a minute ago like I’m her parent. I just got married in June last year. I probably gonna be in a nuthouse this year. Be seeing you ladies
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This comic was really thought provoking! I’m fem-presenting and it makes me think how my future relationships will be like.
To be honest, reading this really made me think aboout my mum and how much she does, you see the unequal split of mental labour in asian households a lot; we’re a SEA household and my mum is often doing more of the chores, more of the admin if me or my brother needed to go to the GP, looking after us when we DO get sick, etc. She’s on sick leave now because of her operation, and although my dad has stepped up in the house, it still feels weird because some things we’d still need to go to her for help. They do split the labour somewhat at home, but she’d be the one still cleaning while my dad would be on the sofa… Though he’s tried banning her from doing that if he sees, which is really sweet haha
I think I’ll need to book her a holiday when I graduate lol
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i liked your comic. thanks for your perspective. one day when i’ve got a family I’ll make sure im proactive about splitting that mental load with my wife (:
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Yes, it’s horrific. And I keep wondering. Who raised the boys who became these men?
The lazybutts described (I know too many) who need to be told/asked to “help” in the home where they live with the children they fathered.
And while we’re at it, who molest and assault women.
WHO RAISED THE BOYS WHO BECAME THESE MEN?
Not to put all the responsibility on mothers, but how did these boys become men without some at least some input from their mothers?
Something is really failing boys who become these men. Until that cycle is fixed, THE WORLD WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE THESE MEN.
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The year is 2025 and this comic is not only still relevant, but with the US dismantling women’s rights and trying to bring back the 1950s June Cleaver, it hits on a whole different level.
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I hear what the author is saying, but on the other hand, I never knew that towels could be folded incorrectly until I got married. And I never knew that I didn’t like certain foods (coincidentally foods that my wife doesn’t like) until I got married. And I never knew that I could follow a grocery list EXACTLY, and still come home with the wrong stuff somehow “I always get the ones on sale” until I got married. These are just a few of many dozen examples and you can ask almost any married man and he will tell you similar stories. This is why men fall into the “helper” role and will attempt to only follow instructions to the letter, no more no less. Because to do otherwise is to be wrong, cause confrontation, and suffer the consequences.
The point I’m trying to make is that if you want things done your way, you will become a de facto manager, and you will have to manage a helper. But if you’re able to let go and just be ok with things being done, even if it’s not the way you want them or the way YOU would do them, you will have a partner.
I fully admit that this perspective might just be my own, maybe I’ve internalized my own experience so strongly that it colors my view of the world. But I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that the first time my wife and I took a shower together she told me that I was washing my hair wrong. So I eventually just tried to follow her lead in everything that she had complaints about (mostly domestic chores and food related things) just to avoid confrontation.
Ironically, I was in the military before we got together, so not only do I know how to keep things clean and tidy, but I prefer it. Unfortunately my military methods are all wrong. And my wife admits that she’s not a good housekeeper, she gets so overwhelmed just looking at a mess that she can’t get started cleaning it, but she hates when I clean things my way, so it stays a mess, and now she has started telling me me how much of the “mental load” she’s carrying in our relationship!
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You described my situation almost exactly – right or wrong.
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