1,333 thoughts on “You should’ve asked

  1. I don’t think is very fair. My dad works his ass off to do everything in the house including going to work at 4am every day. Meanwhile my mom sits on her lazy ass all day. Why do we have to put men and women in categories. Why cant you just mention the problem without assigning it to a certain gender. It’s not fair to my dad and a lot of other hard working fathers out there who never get the appreciation they deserve.


    1. I don’t understand why you’re upset every comic can not be about your personal situation, you’re not the center of the world.
      The comic mentions this is not the case everywhere and that if in your home the man bears the mental load good for you ! Maybe you missed this part.
      Sociology is a science about trends, it is never 100%. But it helps understand why mostly women are raped and why most of rapists are men. Why there are still income inequalities between genders. Why women are still executing 75% of housework and I don’t even mention the mental load. And so on.

      Liked by 7 people

    2. Kaitlyn, Why would you even say that of your mom? Even if nothing else, she still carried you for 9 months an went through labor or a C section to bring you here. Articles like this are to be read as general and never applies to every single household. My mom was a stay at home mom and I only realized how hard it was when I had to stay home with 2 small kids after my second child.


  2. Comments like this drive me nuts.
    The comic painted with a very broad brush, gender-wise, and did piss-poor job of acknowledging the myriad of exceptions to this frame.
    When a person says “Wait, that’s not me/my family” the response is “…you’re not the center of the world”.
    Newsflash: neither are you, whether or not your situation is typical/common.
    Get involved with empathy, or hush up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know if you understand how social commentary works Rob, but when you’re trying to make a comment on how the majority of society works, outliers don’t really have a place. Saying “you’re not the center of the world” is a perfectly valid response, considering while Kaitlynn may have an atypical household, the fact is that almost every woman you talk to will tell you something similar to what’s in the comic. Making comments like “well this isn’t how it is for ME” is purposefully trying to derail the conversation.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Effective social commentary acknowledges varied experience. Absolutist language will kill your message with anyone whose lived experience differs from yours.
        How TF would Kaitlyn know what the norm is? Her lived experience is different, and to me her comment is essentially “this is not at all the way the world has been for me”.

        How about if someone writes a comic about the majority of men who feel like they want more sex than their wives do, and present it simply as a man’s burden without digging deeply into causation or acknowledging the many exceptions? When someone says “this isn’t absolute, it doesn’t represent my situation” do we shame them with suggestions of narcissism?

        Honest question: Is this a forum where ideas are exchanged, or a space reserved for 100% agreement and praise only?


      2. Maybe you didn’t read well because I acknowledge it is not a 100% situation but a trend, that’s what sociology is useful for, highlighting trends.
        My blog is not giving coaching or psychology advice, neither is it a therapy group. It’s a place for feminist activism. So the aim here is not to expose everyone’s personal experience so that everyone fells good and comforted. The aim is to demonstrate that we live in a society of male domination (income, sexual violence, politics, housework and so on) and to federate to put an end to this situation. I don’t mind people needing to talk about themselves, I just say this is not the good place to do it and all the less when it is used to put into question several decades of sociology and feminist work.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m a bit stunned by the inclusion of nannies as totally normal – and as if they weren’t women. How about class as an issue? Most working mothers don’t have nannies – they struggle and panic and juggle and all that stuff.


    1. Well in France almost everybody has, either a nanny or a place in a nursery. The taxes system make the price progressive so that the families with the less income can afford it anyway, but with our government current politic it’s changing for the worse. Of course even before that it was not a magical solution, and for the most precarious families it was too expensive and women with the lowest income tended to stay at home.
      My opinion is that even in a perfect work without class inequalities we would need someone to do nannies’ job, I just think they would not be poor women from immigration, it would be a valued task shared among the community.


      1. Just what society needs! Mothers spending less time at home and devoting her energy to pleasing the demands of a corporate boss while her children are raised by strangers making close to minimum wage!


      2. This sounds great. Children can grow up optimally in contact with same-aged children. I always considered these opportunities in France for great opportunities. However, I have to say for myself that for me it was never a question to go back to work immediately after birth …. I decided to have children whom I wanted to take care of alone, to whom I wanted to show the world until it is time to let go because they live on their own. I would not want to have children if I did not want to do this task 100% myself.


      3. I find it unfortunate that so many women go against their maternal instincts and leave their children with strangers for most of the day during their most crucial years of development. Babies are neurologically fragile and are born without a central nervous system. Mothers are literally act as the central nervous system for the first year after birth. The regulatory mechanism is oxytocin which works in conjunction with estrogen. Mothers produce it when they give birth, breastfeed or otherwise nurture their children and produce more of it than men do. Every time a mother comforts a baby in distress, she’s actually regulating that baby’s emotions from the outside in. Babies are not able to regulate their emotions internally until 3-5 years. Tales of abuse in day-care centers are enough for me to insist that my children never step foot in one.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I have no background knowledge at all, but this sounds very logical for me….I think the maternal instinct is the key… for me it was never a question… hopefully this instinct is not getting lost in our society…


  4. It’s gotten worse, recently. On top of that, there’s less income to go round. Perhaps we need to stop giving birth, like, at all. For good. Capitalism relies on the free reproductive labour of workers. People without children rely on reproduction for their welfare and pension. Companies rely on the supply of workers raised at no cost to them. Capitalist externalise the costs of reproduction and reap the surplus of cheap labour. It’s sickening.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m a bit surprised about the critical or even aggressive comments that ignore the mainstream of gender-roles in our society (it’s the same in Germany where I come from, btw sorry for my bad English..), Yes, there are always exceptions, but that’s really not the point – please be aware of how are families organised elsewhere (and sometimes the gender gap even worse); please note the many many scientific knowledge about that gender-gap, which the comic is talking about!

    Cool comic, Emma, thank you so much! And even if my partner is really doing a lot of housework and even takes his mental load regarding the household (feminists/women should be more sloppy, or let’s say: it helps sometimes not to see every grain of dust), you’re so right! When I got our children, everybody asks me, if my husband would “help” me or “support” me. No, why should he do that? I’m not the familiy manager, my husband is as responsable for our children as me! Nobody sees that – so it’s no surprise, that a lot of men (and even women) are sharing these traditional attitudes.
    I’m looking forward to your comic on “emotional work”, because this is indeed a hard and unpaid job which is almost exclusively done by women.

    Thank you and all the best!

    (feminist and art historian)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This hits home hard, and I’m using it to try to get my husband to understand what we really need to work on. Despite being the primary bread winner, I’m the one who gets all the laundry done, who finds the kids clothes, who finds his clothes for work, I do the shopping, the meal planning, the you name it, and I’m exhausted. Thank you for this comic, I wish more people could see it and understand it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I respectfully suggest you stop finding his clothes for work. You are not only the household manager, you are taking care of him. You are also his caregiver. Think about this. You are finding an adult person’s clothing for them. I know a mom who does hers and her kids clothing but never does any of her spouse’s. I think that is a bit extreme as it is just as easy to do all laundry together, but you need to draw the line somewhere. When you go from not only managing a full home to also starting to parent another adult… YOU need to step back and look at how you might be contributing to your exhaustion. Sometimes the nicest thing you can do for a person is NOT do everything for them. If you want a partner, you need to relinquish a bit of control to that person. A journal can help you evaluate where you want to set your own boundaries. I wish you good change that works for you and your family!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I can’t believe some of these comments — if you don’t feel like this comic applies to your life, then great. For those who relate, it’s a nice reminder that you’re not alone. It doesn’t apply to my life EXACTLY, but I still appreciated the sentiment and enjoyed the comic. (Emphasis on the word “comic” ffs)


  8. Thank you for this comic. As a husband I have definitely been guilty of this and when I found a link to this comic it really made me understand the concept, and spurred me to enact change. I have spread the concept to many people since but only just now rediscovered the source of this comic.
    Thanks again!


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