1,956 thoughts on “You should’ve asked”

  1. My ex husband was like this (as far as I know, he still is). My second husband set the tone with our family very early on. When we were still dating, he came over for dinner and, while I had gotten dinner ready, he got the table set, and ran back and forth to the kitchen to get forgotten items throughout the meal. My then 5-year-old daughter said “You don’t let Mommy do ANYTHING!” Nor did this stop when our relationship became established. He does nearly all the laundry in the house, including folding and putting away. He washes dishes when they need to be washed. Gets the kids breakfast and prepares their lunches Etc etc. All was not always smooth sailing, though. He did point out to me, at some point, that the “managerial” approach to housekeeping can backfire. If your husband is doing a task in a way that’s different than how you would do it — hold back the criticism! 9 times out of 10, the difference is not critical, and just a matter of taste. It doesn’t take many times of being told that he is doing things “wrong” to get a man to give up and say “OK, fine, just do it yourself, then!” Communication is super important — in both directions!

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      3. Steve, does that mean she would be a “slave” if she did all the work without him, or does “enslavement” only happen when half the work is taken by a man?

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      6. No, Steve, she got herself a MAN. See, a real man understands that magic fairies don’t just appear at night in the home and do the chores. They get that running a house takes both partners. Boys make snide, immature comments and wonder what’s the matter with women when they are on their third divorce.

        My husband has also always done a fair share of the chores. When I started teaching full time, and he was working as a sub (so didn’t have work to bring home) he did more household chores than I did. When I decided to start my own business, likewise. When we both work the same hours, we split pretty even. When he’s directing plays (he’s a high school drama teacher), I take over the lion’s share because he’s exhausted, and I also reduce my business hours if I can (personal trainer, so I usually can).

        We both grew up in homes where our mothers did most of the housework. My mom worked, his didn’t. His poor mother is in her 80s and worries that she will be “sent to a nursing home” because the house that she kept for her husband for well over 50 years doesn’t belong to her because she never worked. That is the kind of thinking that women who worked all of their lives INSIDE the home are worried about right now. Not all, but more than you might think. (We have assured her that will NOT happen because it is as much her house as it is his, but she insists none of it is hers.)

        Before we committed to get married, I made it clear we would not have a household run like that. I wasn’t going to be a maid. If he wanted one, he was free to hire one. If I cooked for him, it would be out of love, not duty (he has done most of the cooking our married lives, but I’ve recently taken it back over and he loves it). Again, if he wanted a cook…they have those for hire. My point was, if he wanted a life with me, it would be a full on partnership and I would not be subject to the abuse I saw his father dish out to his mom, nor I saw my father dish out to mine. I felt if that was not acceptable to him, I was better off knowing it before we committed to a marriage, not after. It wasn’t a shock to him either. He never felt good about how his dad was towards his mom, and honestly while we dated he always was a partner.

        Well…I’ve got a butternut squash soup to get started and it’s going to be fantastic!

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      7. She found a partner that respected her. Steve you missed the whole point of this. I pitty your partner.

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      9. She got herself a partner, and good for her! and for him! If Steve Thompson considers chipping in fairly to be slavery, that means he wants a slave and will never be a decent partner.

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      11. WTH? that’s called a helpful PARTNER!!!
        I feel sorry for your wife, of you even have one with that attitude.

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      1. This is only partially true, and still not necessarily a feminist response. If your husband asks you to do tasks he’s done well for years in a way everyone is accustomed to, would you take it as criticism and stop contributing? This is a childish and manipulative response to feedback. In my experience, many men fall back on this excuse in order to sit back down and continue relaxing. The mature and healthy response is, “you do it your way, I’ll do it mine”. And then get the job done! In essence, being nice and respectful is a must for any healthy relationship – but to have to tiptoe around your mans fragile ego just adds more to the mental load.

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    3. Your second husband sounds like a dream…where did you find him? haha.. I’m in the same boat, single Mom and feeling a bit sour on men but reading your post gave me hope 🙂

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  2. Not applicable at all to my home, extended home/family and even my friend circle and community. This is all about upbringing and the basic beliefs and values. There are plenty of scenarios where husband goes through ultimate stress, pain and humiliation at times just to support the family. Many a times wife starts to nag a dead tired husband moment he steps into home. Please have balanced views. Such articles have been written for generations they do not change anything at all. If anything has to change then start training them from young. Make your kids clean their dishes after every meal. Make them do some chores during weekends/holidays. Make them stay with grandparents and take care of them. They will grow up into adults who do not suffer form such problems.

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    1. What about when a wife goes through ultimate stress, pain and humiliation at times just to support the family and still has to come back home and do chores… The problem is with you calling it “nagging”. It’s not “nagging” if it is a job that needs to be done to sustain the family. Just like earning a living is important, making a living (cooking, cleaning, washing) is important. The idea is to share work load including mental work load.

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      1. Your comment seems to suggest that “nagging” is never actually “nagging.” You don’t know the experience of other people. Growing up with an unhealthy example of marriage, I know what happens to the emotional and mental health of everybody when communication breaks down. You can’t start harping on someone the moment they walk in the door after work. Maybe this is a matter of the chicken and the egg, but it’s a matter nonetheless… I don’t think anyone is saying that men are ALWAYS in the right, I think the clearer argument tends to be that men are not ALWAYS in the wrong. And this type of article seems to perpetuate that stereotype. It’s not exactly encouraging to men when we feel like we’re always going to be the bad guy no matter what.

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    2. Mate, many times it’s a dead tired wife doing the nagging and fed up with having to nag. Me, I’m usually the dead tired wife returning from full time work who is immediately having to enter the second shift of housework, chores, and the emotional labour of managing the other household members. Boo hoo hoo me?

      I’m with you on the importance of training the children from a young age. It helps when the behaviour modelled around them is supportive around that message.

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    3. I’m very interested to understand how you know how chores are split and how women feel about their role in their house across your community? Is that really something you’ve discussed with multiple female neighbors?

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      1. We have a nice whiteboard in the mitchen with the tasks to be done, and we check them with our initials.
        That solves the management problem (mostly) and makes clear bow the load is distributed

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    4. Could the woman who is nagging when her partner get home be upset because SHE TOO just got home and doesn’t have the luxury to chill like does because of the rest of the work she is doing to run the household? There are not that many 1 income families so if both are working but SHE has to THINK of all the things… that’s why there is what you consider “NAGGING” which is just an expression of “I too am tired and have worked all day today and while working I made Dr. and Dentist appointments for the kids, and made sure the soccer booster fees are paid and mailed your mom a birthday card and made the grocery list and will go get the groceries on the way home and come home and help with home work while cooking dinner and, and, and.” While apparently you are just trying to decompress from your day…………..??????

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      1. …and then there are those who put in 10 and twelve hour days and come home to find that the “partner” has been playing around on Facebook all day and can give every detail of the days soaps, but the refrigerator is trashed, the trash is piled up, there are piles of objects throughout the house (like a maze) and the dishes are growing mold in the sink (deliberately did NOT do them for a week until I couldn’t stand it anymore)… the only thing that *was* obsessed over was the number of showers in a day and how many times the clothes went into the wash… even if it was only tried on for a couple minutes and discarded for something else… Oh yes… and the phone calls to her parents to bemoan everything in life and not finding a job when the call logs show no other calls but the parents and the internet cache has no job sites… but oh the “champagne tastes” are still there…. it can affect *either* side and the only way to deal with it is communication… and let’s drop the “nagging” euphemism… it’s one thing when it is related to things one honestly needs to do (or not as the case may be) and quite another when it is a random tirade about irrelevant bullshit as one walks through the door… My parents brought me up taking care of brothers and sisters on a farm with a full load of chores along with schoolwork and even once I got a job and paid rent when I was staying there, chores and such did NOT cease, nor was I only responsible for my own “messes”… Everyone under that roof participated…

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    5. AS others have already noted, what about the wife who also works outside of the home? I have a 14 month-old son, a husband, a home, and a demanding full-time job where I earn over 2/3 of our family’s income, and this comic spoke deeply to me. My husband is as egalitarian as they get, but I still bear the bulk of the mental load in our household. I agree that so much of it is culturally ingrained and I am determined to teach my son to approach his future household differently.

      And I also agree that it is important to have kids do chores, however there’s not much my 14 month-old can help with at this point besides throw a couple of toys in the toybox.

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    6. Do you see where you wrote “Make them do chores?” That’s the ENTIRE POINT of the article that went whizzing over your head.

      I leave the house by 8am and get home 10 or so hours later. The first question I get from the people already in the house is “what’s for dinner”?

      I have worked full time since before my son was born, and ever since. Your implication that “wife is home waiting to nag poor husband” is a very outdated view of a typical household. What if I’ve worked all day and am dead tired? I can’t ask for help, or expect it without asking?

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    7. I take some issue with this. It’s presuming only one kind of incompetence on my part. This results in some situation failing to improve, and other situations humming along nicely, depending on if the other people involved are assuming the “correct” (as in what’s actually going on) kind of incompetence.

      Growing up, Mom would put empty laundry baskets at the bottom of the stairs. I’d have to go over them to get to dinner.

      I have and had literally zero memories of getting over them to get to dinner. The existence of the physical objects never even registered.

      Similarly, Dad would ask me to clean up this or that room. I’d think that I did so, and only when Dad started pointing out what was still “a mess / out” would I even be cognizant of the objects involved. It’s not that I’d see the thing and think; “That’s in the right place”. I would literally not see the thing as a separate object from the furniture it was on top of.

      I’m a bit better now. I notice these things more.

      The difference here is subtle and important: When I say, “Just ask”, I don’t mean: “I am not going to take on the mental load”. I mean: I am literally so unaware of the mental load I cannot even teach it to myself.

      Does it still suck for the person who DOES shoulder the mental load? Yes. Does it add the additional load of teaching someone these skills? Yes. It’s still a problem. (of note, the only reliable independent education I’ve found is alternating between living with messier people and living alone.)

      But! Presuming one kind of incompetence over the other is the difference between going to battle and going to teach.

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    8. And who exactly is in charge of “making” them like this? If you aren’t putting actions where your words are, then I’m betting you imagine your wife or the children’s mother to be modeling teaching them these things. Which is exactly the point of this article.

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    9. Agreed, let’s be a bit more balanced here. The 21st. century has brought huge changes in men’s and women’s roles, including earning, household chores, and rearing children. If your mate is stuck in the distant past it is up to you to educate him or her, and demand a more balanced relationship. Complaining is a waste of time. Do something! Most healthy relationships can use objective assessment at some point and today is a good day. I actually do most of the household work in my house and my wife knows more about cars and sports. She attends the ballet when I plead with her. Things a changin …

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  5. I’m​ someone who plays the same role as the male partner in this story. My household has the same problem as described here. I am guilty of not sharing my partner’s mental load. But I’m not 100% guilty.

    Just hear me out for a moment. (I know my comment will upset readers, but I promise not to abuse my privilege.) I do what I can to run the household. When my partner is away, it’s me who sets priorities about​ household tasks and who makes judgement calls about problems that arise. (Yes, we do have kids.) My priorities and judgements are different than what my partner would make, but they’re appropriate for the situation. Things get done as they should, like cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework, and so on; Not necessarily, though, as my partner would do it.

    When we’re together, though, my judgement is consistently overruled. I’m scolded for using the “wrong” cleaner in the bathroom, or folding the sheets “incorrectly.” Tasks are ultimately taken away from me. Then, I get accused of not doing my part.

    This accusation completely ignores the fact that I carry the full mental load for things like household repairs, gardening, recycling, composting, and exterior maintenance. Those items are completely off my partner’s radar; they were delegated to me long ago. (“Dirty” jobs: traditionally “male” …. Why is that, anyway?) This is not to say these are my only responsibilities: I’m completely responsible for meal preparation and clean-up, too. Interestingly, because the kitchen is my responsibility, I tend to do most of the grocery shopping. I keep track of what is needed, and I pay for most of it. I also am the only one who cleans the kitchen.

    Many factors can contribute to inequities in the household. I’d never attempt to argue against the factors explained in this post. But, in my case, at least, there’s more to the story. (And I’ll bet I’m not alone, friends.) For one partner to take on 50% of the mental load, the other has to let go of her “traditional” domestic rule.

    Indeed, we are all victims of the patriarchy.

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      1. Indeed.

        I found this very enlightening but also only a third of the story. As others have pointed out, continually being told ‘you are doing it wrong’ leads to giving up or having the job effectively taken away. And should you try to bring it up for discussion, the discussion goes off the rails pretty quickly.

        The trick is keeping open communication and an open mind. No, it might not get done the way you want, but it’s done. If you complain about it constantly , don’t be surprised if the response is a partner who stops doing the job because they cannot please you.

        We all have differing preferences and priorities. Learn to work with those. Offer options. Take turns. Upset the routine now and again. Remember, Your Way is not always the Right Way.

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      2. So, I’ve been married 24 years. In that time, I learned how my husband wanted his shirts and underwear folded. I fold them his way. However, he still refuses to fold the towels my way. It’s not because I’m particular, it’s because they won’t fit on the shelf any other way. He also says he doesn’t notice things like when I throw dirty clothes down the stairs and he steps over them instead of taking them to the laundry room. Clutter drives me crazy, but he doesn’t mind it. If the bathroom trash is overflowing, he’ll just keep piling stuff in it until it’s up the wall. I eventually take it out. Can I ask him to take it out? Yes, but I feel I shouldn’t have to. I’m not his mother. I should never have to ask a grown man to clean up after himself or help with housework.

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    3. If only my husband would do the ‘dirty’ tasks. But those, too, are regarded as household work, and “my” job, despite the fact that I also have a job. Good for you, buddy.

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  7. Uhm, yeah, but you’re missing a contributory ” You’re doing it wrong!” You folded the clothes wrong, you fed the kids wrong, you dressed them wrong, and so on and so on and finally you get “screw it, tell me if you want me to do something.” Too often, the ‘mental load’ is off-limits unless its “done my way”. And once that happens, its all downhill.

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      1. Often, nobody knows what ‘right’ is, only what ‘wrong’ is. If there’s one thing that makes me avoid the ‘mental load’ , it’s knowing that there’s no right answer, only answers that are less wrong than others.

        If the mental load is to be shared, then the criticism has to be shelved. That’s the trade-off. Yell at me if I don’t help, but don’t yell at me when I am putting in the same effort as you.

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      2. “Right” is often a value judgement made by the bearer of the mental load.

        To give someone part of the mental load is to relinquish control in equal measure.

        The idea that the only solution is to “start doing it right” is as rooted in patriarchy as the problem itself.

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      3. OK, well, I’m saying that because I’ve seen how some men do things. Examples ?
        Washing the dishes with their hands (no sponge, no soap),
        cleaning the floor with the sponge used for the dishes (so hygienic),
        mopping the floor before hoovering or sweeping (nice way to spread the dirt and dust),
        putting the wet clothes on a rack…in a pile (so it gets dry in 10 days instead of one),
        putting the clothes away in drawers without folding them..
        filling the fridge in the most inefficient way so that there’s no room for anything else anymore
        washing black and white clothes in the same load… Because who gives a sh*t if my underwear come out grey

        Shall I carry on? So yes, I’m going to say it again: do things right and we’ll stop complaining.
        And try to understand that “you’re not doing it right” does not mean “you are useless and I hate you”. It just means “you’re doing it wrong, try and correct it”.

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    2. Well, that’s a conversation to have with your partner. My ex needed to be taught what chores needed to be done. For him, it was all new and he was willing to learn. He did things differently than I would have done them but they were done and we got to spend more time together.

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  8. The “mental load” described seems to be more a symptom of very poor organisation skills. If someone is literally relying on their own human memory to organise and manage their life and family, it will always end badly.

    Thankfully we live in an age of brilliant life-enhancing technology that can reduce human error and help us manage our lives better.

    I think it’s fairly resentful to suggest that outsourcing labour to third parties is not a good solution. Division of labour is a fairly fundamental economic principle and no reason why it shouldn’t have a place in family life.

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    1. But why outsource to poor immigrant women??? If they are being paid family supporting wages with benefits, I would agree. But that is rarely the case. This is just another form of exploiting women.

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    2. Even with good organisation skills one still has to THINK about all these things which are needed so that the family life can run smoothly !!! Technology is a tool and nothing else.To be able to make the best use of it you still first have to put the THINKING first. Try to manage a whole family’s life for only one single day to see what I mean.

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  9. This feels so familiar. On Saturday I was volunteering all day, but my husband wanted to have friends over to see our kittens. I said “OK, but be sure to clean the house first. The bathroom should be fine, but the floor probably needs to be swept. Be sure to put the rug back out. Also, the bird feeder needs to be filled.”

    When I got home, there were dust bunnies all over the floor, the rug was still in a pile in the kitchen where we had left it earlier, and the bird feeder was empty. There was junk all over the kitchen table, which I would have noticed and tidied, and the kittens’ litter boxes were overflowing. I guess our guests just got to see the house like that!

    It saddens me that even with a husband as nice and caring as mine (he brought me lunch!) and a wife as disorganized as me, I’m right to assume that he doesn’t keep track of what needs to be done around the house at all, and that even if I give him direct instructions they probably won’t get done and I’ll end up doing them anyway.

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      1. She asked him to do some very basic cleaning tasks that were not unreasonable. He did NONE of them. So even when she asked for help, she didn’t get it. These items would have taken no time to complete – she wasn’t asking him to paint the house. Sweeping the dust bunnies isn’t a lifestyle choice, it’s a thing that has to be done.

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    2. That would require access to reproductive healthcare rights, since rape culture is so widely accepted here. Also how about an education system that encourages teaching life skills, including what constitutes an abusive relationship, how to spot warning flags, and establish healthy connections with adults and peers you can trust for support before kids reach the dating age.

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  12. I think y’all might just have (or might just be observing) a shitty relationship. I suppose every stereotype exists for a reason- But shouldn’t this conversation be had with a significant other or mediator and not the public? Your lack of protest to live this way early on (much less marry someone who behaves this way) is approval. Men who care about their wives/significant others and treat them as beloved friends can be found everywhere. Every human is full of faults, but NO ONE is powerless to change their situation, and no one here is a victim.

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    1. No. Those men are not to be found everywhere. The majority of men do not feel like household management is their job. And piling the responsibility for not fighting harder, as if being forced to fight on top of all the organisational load we carry all the time, is really rich. And, ironically, it disproves your point – even a well-meaning guy like you thinks it’s our responsibility to ensure equality. Why? Why isn’t it also yours? You live in that house too, don’t you? Why aren’t you responsible for not letting your wife carry the load by herself? Why isn’t it your responsibility to be invested in your own household?

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      1. Or is it possible men just don’t value a clean house as much as women? I prefer one, but it’s not my top priority…

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    3. That sounded incredibly defensive. I didn’t hear blame in this article, it’s just the way it is. Likewise, I believe that there are similarities on the other side, where responsibility for certain things, such as home repairs and maintenance are assumed to be tha man’s responsibility. But this is not just a description of one couple’s dysfunctional relationship. It’s what happens as a result of centuries of social conditioning. As we, as humans, evolve, it takes a while for social mores to catch up.

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    4. If you are a man, this comes perilously close to mansplaining.
      It is tremendously validating to see that I am not the only person who has experienced this. It is the kind of thing that is not easily acknowledged, even to oneself, until seeing it put into words like this. When speaking up with a partner starts an argument, and that argument ends (as it does too often for women) with us feeling that maybe we ARE being unreasonable/demanding/controlling, it soon becomes something we learn to live with. Or, as I ended up doing, we leave. But I think you will find that this experience is far more universal than you seem to think.

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    5. I know lots of men who care about their wives/significant others and treat them as beloved friends in every other respect. I think they would tell you they have an egalitarian marriage. Many are not male chauvanists. But they cannot see the things that need to be done around the house or to care for the children. Or maybe they choose a few jobs they like to do, and do those regularly, while the wife/partner takes responsibility for making sure that all the necessary things get done.

      I completely agree, though, that women in this position shouldn’t keep doing more of the work and continue to kind of be “in charge” of what is supposed to happen, while continually feeling that it isn’t fair. I think the author make some reasonable suggestions at the end of the article, including the suggestion to just become more tolerant of things lying around or tasks remaining undone. I think it is important for women in this position to realize that they probably play an equal role in creating this dynamic. I don’t think that the cartoon is painting the women as victims; it acknowledges that it is women’s fault as well as men’s that this situation happens.

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  15. You’ve managed to expose in a very simple way, a topic that I find very difficult to talk about. I have a very helpful husband who can take matters into his own hands, but still, I saw myself in some of these situations, which I struggle to change in my everyday life. I would like to translate this to Portuguese, if you want. It would help a lot of Portuguese speaking women to express this so common and everlasting situation.

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    1. holy crap! You say Portuguese and now you have me wondering things. My husband is 1st generation American-Portuguese from his father’s side, but 2nd from his mothers side. This whole article explains EVERYTHING that causes issues in our relationship!!!! I am actually taking it to my therapist tomorrow to read, but I seriously have wondered with some of his quirks whether it’s a Portuguese thing or not. First time ever, about three nights ago, he tried to hardcore guilt trip me into doing what he wanted and to force me to talk because I was upset about him leaving the house for the night after I had pretty much been home alone with our daughter for over 48 hours, he works shift. He told me that his family would do that all the time and he didn’t consider it a guilt trip. I made him read the dictionary version lol I was soooooo angry.

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  16. Interesting how many of the men replying here assume the comic is about a couple where the man works but the woman is a stay at home mom, when the first panel of the comic clearly states, “a colleague invited me for dinner .. she was trying to feed her kids while preparing our meal”.

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    1. Exactly, I noticed that too. And their reply is defensive, they aren’t even trying to see it from the woman’s point of view, just “nuh-uh”, it’s her fault!

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  19. I can relate to this article from when I was a new Dad. I’m sure my wife took on much more of the mental load. The most obvious reason being that this was how our parents managed things. But secondly, I felt inferior to her natural parenting bond with the baby and that I couldn’t do things nearly as well as she could – largely because I was afraid to try. Developing parenting skills and confidence helped me to assume a larger portion of the load. Having time with the kid(s) by myself really fostered that.

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    1. I’m sure what you are observing as a “natural parenting bond” that she is better at than you is just the fact that somebody had to do it so she did. Just do it. Women aren’t magic.

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    3. I agree with Beep. I was just as terrified as you were, but SOMEBODY had to get stuff done. So I did it and figured it out as I went along. And made mistakes. If you didn’t try, you didn’t learn as quickly as your wife did.

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    4. I think a lot of new dads feel that way (unable to match their wive’s “natural parenting bond”), and thus shrink back from trying, but arguably we became this way in the first place because we saw our mother’s nurture, and as children we were pushed to help nurture our younger siblings in the same way. You can break the cycle by learning and then teaching your son (if you have one) these skills. They truly are learned by practice, and aren’t “god given”. You’ll make mistakes (we do to!), but in time it’ll become second nature.

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  21. Brilliant post. And makes me realise just how lucky I am as Hubby does share the load competely, not just part time or half heartedly. Sometimes he drives me mad as he almost takes over! Heaven helo me when he tidies up………. I can’t find a thing!!

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  24. I stopped reading at “The mental load is almost completely borne by women.” I’m tired of clicking on a link that I think is going to be empowering and wholesome and instead I find something that finds a way to attack half the population every chance it gets. I’m tired of prejudice and stereotypes. I’m tired of being bullied into having to agree with everything said by a “feminist”. I’m tired of being told that my opinion doesn’t matter because of what’s between my legs.

    But most of all, I’m tired of people telling me “now you know how it feels” after I tell them that. If you want people to stop being jerks, the WORST thing you can do is be a jerk to them. In the past month I’ve been attacked by people simply because I’ve asked for sources and explanations on how something targets women. In the past year I’ve gone from calling myself an ally and wanting to support feminism to being convinced that I would rather face the actual troubles of women in society than be a man trying to help feminism.

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    1. I don’t know, man, this seems to be a real thing even if it’s not a universal rule. Heaven knows I am just like these guys and I get to enjoy minimal mental load (to the frustration of my girlfriend). Kudos if you do your part.

      Now that you know this isn’t malarkey, it might be useful to read it to understand the details of this actually real relationship dynamic. It might also be worth taking a break from thinking about feminism, cause that shit has got you pretty worked up.

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      1. I think this Alexa here just doesn’t want to see this problem, she or he (doesn’t seem clear) wants something “empowering and wholesome,” whatever that means. Something that doesn’t dare say anything critical about men?

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    2. I didn’t see any attack or any bullying in this article. I agree that feminists should not be jerks…but I don’t see that happening here. I see a good description of a common problem. The take-away is not to condemn men, it is to have some new conversations and negotiations. The ideas presented here can help both men and women to understand their situation (whether it is the stereotyped situation or not) and better be able to frame a household dynamic that works for everyone.

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    3. No one attacked men but okay. If you can’t understand that women actually are usually expected to do all of this then you were never a feminist and never an ally we wanted. This is a very simple comic explaining a very simple idea and asking for solutions to a problem many women face. You are not those women therefore you cannot speak for them. There are not always tidy sources to explain things that women face like mental abuse or taking on the load of housework, however the author DID provide a study. Perhaps you missed that or just didn’t care because you’re more concerned with men’s oppression. Sorry but resentment towards men that most women have is correctly placed anger that men have brought on themselves. No one is hating on men, but you know that. You just came here to defend yourself because you’re uncomfortable about how men are portrayed here. If this post doesn’t apply to you, it wasn’t written ABOUT you. Being so defensive about it implies there may be more truth to this strip in your own life than you are letting on.

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    5. You aren’t being bullied. I’m exhausted by carrying the mental load in my household whilst simultaneously being the primary breadwinner. If communicating this makes me a “jerk,” then I guess I’m a jerk. What is the other option? Keeping my mouth shut and doing the housework, I guess. I’m serious here. If so much as articulating the problem is an attack, how do you suggest women handle this?

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  25. I LOVE this cartoon. I do think, though, that the point it is trying to make is slightly different than some commenters have taken away. There are lots of posts about ‘I do this’ or ‘if I do it I get it wrong so I don’t do it any more’. The point is, it’s about MENTAL load. Not physical. The point is not what you are doing, it’s whether you are thinking about what needs doing – seeing things before they’re problems, anticipating what’s GOING to need to be done, putting thought in. Bringing your A-game, basically. Otherwise you’re the ‘you should’ve asked’ man.

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    1. I would love to hear that too. I’ve been with my partner for nearly a decade and have yet to find a successful way to address this.

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    3. I showed the cartoon to my husband last night and asked if he had any comments. It’s something I’ve really struggled to articulate and even when I’m frustrated with being the ‘manager’ I don’t raise it. Partly because I don’t want to seem like a jerk but also because it’s not about ‘I do this, you don’t do that’ and so often discussions about this issue descend into lists of tasks.

      Anyway, my husband’s reaction was – unsurprisingly – quite defensive. Inevitably, despite both of us doing our best to have a civil discussion it was hard to get my point across without talking about specifics and there’s been a strained atmosphere today. I’m hopeful that we’ll find better ways to talk about it and that he’ll understand I don’t mean ‘pick up after yourself, do more laundry’ etc (though that would be nice too…), I mean ‘Please take equal responsibility for what goes on around here. Be an adult with me’

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    4. I completely agree. And, to me, the only solution here involves wives (sorry to be heteronormative and retro, but this whole thing is) essentially devolving power to men and then holding them accountable so they don’t let the house collapse. As I commented elsewhere, this takes a step from women (or at least my wife) to stop trying to own each and every outcome. Until then, she’s going to have all the mental load, no matter what I do.

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    5. My fiance was raised by a strong woman, is the oldest, has two younger sisters, and has worked in managerial positions for over a decade at this point, so I think all of that made the topic quite a bit easier to broach. He’s grown up watching his mother run a household, he’s seen the damage unbalanced relationships can cause, knows that just because you don’t see a problem or personally feel it exists doesn’t mean it isn’t real and damaging the other person (aka the opposite of the “she’s just PMSing” type argument), and he’s acutely aware of how much work managing other people is.

      So keeping all that in mind… :

      Our conversation started when I posted this article on Facebook a few weeks ago :

      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html

      For me, it was a moment of realizing that the article hit on feelings I was trying to convey but couldn’t find the words for. I kept finding myself frustrated over grievances I realized were small and relatively insignificant in and of themselves, but I felt there was an underlying pattern I couldn’t put my finger on. Where as most would be quick to judge any issue surrounding a messy home as due to “laziness” or having an “uncaring attitude”, I knew this wasn’t the issue – especially when every time I tried to bring it up, he offered to take care of the particular issue I mentioned (e.g. dishes in the sink), and told me to give him more work to do off my plate so I wasn’t as stressed, always saying “what can I do to help?”. Yet, I always found that resolution deeply unsatisfying, and couldn’t fathom why, as I felt he did everything a husband could to rectify it (which led to me stuffing negative feelings about how I might be “too nit picky”, a “b***** wife”, etc.,. – also not good for the relationship).

      Once I read the article, it finally clicked, so I told him: “I don’t want to have to tell you what to do because even thinking of what needs to be done is work in and of itself that I don’t always have time for. I want you to manage yourself, to look around you and find things that need to be done. To be more aware and perceptive of these issues before they arise and I end up having to take care of them or assign them. I’m not your manager, I’m your equal, and this is our household, so it’s up to both of us to keep a pulse on what it needs and to maintain it. You know how to manage, so I’d like you to start applying your strengths in that realm at home too.”

      At different points I also mentioned how I didn’t like feeling as if I was his boss regardless of what implied “responsibilities” came with that, and I didn’t like the way the language we used to discuss chores reflected that either, where he’d say “what can I do to help YOU?” and I’d say “thank you for HELPING ME”, and how it always seemed to indirectly imply that running the household was my responsibility, and anything he did to “help out” was a favor to me, not his job as an equal head of household. There’s something to be said for the negative emotional state you can find yourself in if you feel like you’re constantly drowning under a list of to do’s, and constantly indebted to another person for chipping in, so I think wording choices matter here.

      All in all, I realized I wanted my partner to be my equal, to display competence and an attention to detail in this way, I wanted to respect him for his ability to take care of things without my help, and I didn’t want to feel like I was constantly needed all the time to manage when an abundance of work came up (which is draining), or likewise, that I was being “dependent on him” and “needing help” if I couldn’t magically handle managing everything by myself all the time.

      Once I put it that way, he seemed to really empathize. I think it was the emphasis on “our household”, and “I want to respect you as my equal” that made the biggest difference.

      Thankfully my fiance is a saint in comparison to the norm when it comes to this issue (since our talk and us both becoming aware of the imbalance, I can think of three examples just in the last week where he took on the “mental load” for the household, and so we’ve never really gotten to the level of deep seeded resentment), but I don’t know how many guys who truly flounder here really stop and look at it in that light – because if your wife needs to make sure you buy the right groceries, and don’t run out of clean underwear, she sees you as just one more head count in the group of helpless children in her care (hence why some women will jokingly count their husbands as part of the kid brood when talking about their family – it’s a bad sign). Which means you’ve emasculated yourself in her eyes by not being self sufficient. Your absentmindedness and mild helplessness might have been cute in the beginning until it got in the way of taking care of the actual helpless beings – children. At which point you begin to look like an incompetent worker that needs too much hand-holding. If you were an employee without an abundance of other redeemable traits, you’d be fired.

      And to that point on “emasculation” – I hate to think it would take poking male insecurity to provoke change (especially since I’d rather we just do away with their fears about masculinity altogether, as it does more harm than good, and ultimately it isn’t about masculine and feminine traits, it’s about two equals working together), but for the ones that really cling to gender stereotypes, it’s kind of an odd phenomenon that we have this problem in some relationships where men allow a picture to be painted that makes it appear like they need women to essentially not succumb to a state of extreme dysfunction.

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  29. For those saying “I did the chores, was told I did them wrong, and stopped doing them”, this is the wrong answer.

    It’s not easy to do, because your ego is bruised when told “you’re doing it wrong” but here’s what you should say: “How would you prefer it be done?”

    I simply continue doing the work “my way” until I’m provided an alternative that works for my partner. I don’t just give up on the task.

    Another thing we’ve found helpful to share a small portion of the mental load is using shared digital to-do lists like the Todoist app. You still have to both get in the habit of entering tasks and checking the list, but it’s much simpler to share errands when you finally do. Especially when your phones are always with you anyway.

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  30. One of the phrases I worked hard to ban in our household was my husband’s use of ‘why don’t you help mama with the dinner….. help mama with the washing etc”. He thought he was being helpful but I saw that as reinforcing the notion that these chores were my responsibility. By all means encourage the children to help with chores. But just say “why don’t you help with the dinner….” or better yet “why don’t we help with the dinner’. Another thing that helped redress the imbalance was taking myself away to visit family for 6 weeks. Pretty quickly, necessity meant that he took on organising the household and when I returned, I had to bite my tongue and accept some changes in routine and methodology. Either that, or take back the mental load of running the household. These days, tasks are much more evenly spread.

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  31. You are almost there in this thinking!

    I used to think all this – Look at how much I do! Then I got older and had more than 4 kids – The way to combat all of this is to just assign it done to him. I’ve resorted to just plopping down on the couch now. Kids fed? “Honey, you’re going to need to get the kiddos fed and don’t forget to start a load” while I sit now.
    I wasted SO much mental anguish on how I did everything, thought everything and planned everything. I wanted noticed, I wanted a break, I wanted him to just step in instead of listening to him say “You could have asked” so I did EXACTLY what he said – I ASKED and I asked for it all.

    Now, it’s easy – walk out the door or leave him to his own devices while YOU (yes you my dear!) need to “take a 45 minute crap while playing on your phone” or “run off to the store” or “read the paper, watch the news” – Trust me! After a WEEK of leaving him to everything and staring at him like “WHY ISN’T THIS DONE, DIDN’T YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO”? – He’ll be a changed man.

    Mine couldn’t comprehend this concept at ALL until he physically had to balance and manage everything plus the mental behind the scenes work.
    Make ’em work!!
    Also – your partner isn’t a “babysitter” they are the other half to the solution – GET TO WORK!!!

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  32. Pingback: Adorei, subscrevo – Miss IT

    1. It seems like your assumption is that the person doesn’t think about killing themselves, maybe even just out of frustration. Why is that your assumption?
      ~Someone who has been there

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  35. Thank you for the English translation! I’ve read it in French and felt completely in tune and was looking forward to a version I could discuss with my English speaking husband!
    Whether we are guilty of ignoring the physical or mental workload, of being too fussy to appreciate our partner’s help, or (allegedly) none of it, I think this cartoon highlights a communication problem faced by almost all couples albeit at different levels.
    This can be a great tool to open up the discussion: It is worth checking where your partner thinks you stand!

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  36. Well said! It’s especially important to be flexible and tolerant about “standards” of housework and methods of cleaning/organizing. Discussing this with one’s partner is essential. When my partner cleans differently or cooks things I would’t, I accept that he has his own way of doing things. However, dividing the mental load is a complex problem, since as you point out, boys are not raised to think about all the things that go into household management and child-raising. A truly equal relationship is still not achievable in our society, but communication and compassion go a long way to creating a more equal division of the burdens of home life.

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  39. I understand a lot of work was put into the comic so congratulations. I’m sure there is an issue here but life is difficult for men and women and I don’t think divisive thinking is helpful. I think if there is a way to make everybody feel more connected – to make everyone feel understood. Inclusive thinking – keep everybody together. One side can’t take all the blame – it’s not fair and life is more complex.

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    1. “I’m sure there’s an issue here” ??? Um, you didn’t get it? It’s not just to be devisive, it’s to try to point out the way that a LOT of women live and work these days! How can we come together if we don’t see how a big part of the population is living, and struggling?

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  40. Thank you for this!
    Most of the time when reading these things, I accept them as truth, but also don’t view myself as complicit. I’m a single man, living in an apartment alone. I don’t make women do the majority of the housekeeping, because there’s no woman here to do it for me. However, part way through this, I realized that if I did have a girlfriend, or wife, living with me, then my current state of living would necessitate her to take full responsibility of keeping the house presentable.

    I love to cook, but cleaning is my major downfall. My place is a mess, and any time I do try to clean I just get super frustrated with it. I’ll happily spend 4 hours cooking, but half an hour of cleaning is just torture. I like the bit about if you asked your partner to clean the table, then only the table would be cleaned and nothing else. Yeah, that would happen. Because that’s what I do. Hell, for me, even cleaning the table doesn’t mean I put the things away. They tend to just go to a different table, or a chair or something.

    I was at a newly married friends house the other month. Prior to marriage, his place was super messy. I visited their new place and was immediately struck by how clean it was, and how well decorated. When I commented on that, he just went “yep, that’s married life. I gotta keep this place spotless now” what I quickly realized what he meant by that was “my wife tidies everything up before bed”.

    This post made me realize that if I don’t change my ways, then when I do get a girlfriend or a wife, and we start living together, I will be one of those men you’re describing here. If I can’t tidy up after myself when I’m alone, then I’m not going to when I’m with someone else. I don’t want someone to be burdened by living with me, I want living together to make things easier on the both of us. So, I’m going to try to figure out this whole ‘cleaning’ thing, and hopefully by the time someone moves in with me, I can make their life a little easier, instead of harder.

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    2. It’s good and healthy to work towards keeping your place cleaner, but also know that some women don’t like to cook so if you take on all that is food and she takes on all that is cleaning can also create a balance. It’s all about each individual situation.
      We live on a farm. Hubby does most everything outside, I do most everything inside. He’s been working at it and has improved considerably over the years with remembering what the kids are up to and asking them for himself. Are we still imbalanced? Yes. Soon enough the 2 oldest kids will be gone from here and the balance will line up closer again. Support to help the kids learn to be responsible for themselves would be the biggest imbalance and needs both parents to help it along I think.
      I don’t have a full-time job outside of our yard. I pinch hit or work casual for the last few years. So I believe it is my responsibility to take care of the household and help out my farmer husband when he needs it. It is an extremely hectic and stressful occupation for at least 6 months of the year. For me that is one way I show love to my family. For me, I know I am needed by what I do. For me, all I do to take care o my family is a big part of who I am.
      My situation is different than a lot of people who probably read this. I am sure there will be a lot of people who read this that will think my life is crap and I shouldn’t live it like this, but it is part of my purpose and calling in life. I like people to know they can depend on me. That said, I wouldn’t mind being able to be home, but not be responsible sometimes. That said, I wouldn’t mind being able to be home, but not be responsible sometimes.
      Yours may be to work and your husband or significant other may also be working and in that case I fully support the idea of splitting responsibilities. However, as some have mentioned, don’t forget the things they are also “normally” responsible for when you are deciding who will do what. I’ve read so many comments by now that I’m not quite sure how the actually article/comic is written. I think figuring out who does what best or who can take on which responsibilites would work a lot better than just saying the other person should be equally thinking through everything. Seems like a lot of doubly wasted time and brain power. Some people love to clean, some love to cook…if there’s one of each of you in your household, each take responsibility for the one you prefer and the other never has to think about it again! If there are things you like done certain ways, you take on those and give up the things you can live with being done as the other half does it. If you can’t stand things not done right to your specifications (and I know there’s some of those out there too – I have OCD tendencies of my own), don’t give those up or ask others to take them on as theirs!! That’s not their fault if you can’t let go of control!

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    3. Awareness is half the battle. For both sides. (My ex told me, 7 years into marriage when I was lamenting that it was my job to cook every night, that after his first marriage he decided he wouldn’t cook. 😳

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    5. Bless you and your self-awareness. I wish everyone was as willing to confront their own shortcomings. If it helps, my boyfriend was the kind of guy who barely cooked, and when he cleaned it was a full-day thing once a month, but overall he really didn’t keep a tidy apartment at all. Not dirty, just messy. There were cards and envelopes lying around from 2013 (this was 2015).

      We moved in together a year ago and it’s been a slow process but I also knew it would be, especially considering I’m not a super neat freak myself. It turns out, with a partner around, we’re both neater for the other person’s sake. He still sucks at dealing with his mail and I still leave clothes on the ground, but I cook dinner every night and he loads the dishwasher. He does all the laundry and I’ll vaccuum and tidy. We clean for an hour or two every weekend and then we chill. He didn’t really care about his own stuff before we lived together, but he’s nothing but helpful now that we do. I still have to remind him every once in a while but I’m sure it goes both ways. It doesn’t seem to have been a difficult transition for either of us, and it helps that we discussed what we both consider “acceptable” levels of mess. Having a partner you love, and the desire to have a nice home together really helps a lot.

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    6. Jack – you’re awesome for recognizing this. My current fella is a gem, but he also says he “isn’t good at cleaning”, as if it was something the female was born with. I’ve basically asked him to do just what you are suggesting – to keep his place clean, to a level of clean that would be socially recognized as clean – so we can continue in the relationship in a more equitable way. I sure hope it helps us find the balance.

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    7. Hi there, I recommend this website: http://www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/whats-a-2010/
      for tips about learning to clean. Basically, you take twenty minutes at a time (or 10.. or 5…) and just do what you can in that amount of time. Small changes, not pressuring yourself to do EVERYTHING at once.
      Very impressed with your comment, good luck, I know you can do it!

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  41. I appreciate the discussion here. I am interested to read the number of men whose reply is, “Well, I get criticized as to how I do it, so I don’t want to do it anymore.”

    And on the one hand, that’s fair. There are multiple ways to do something, and though some are better, some are just different styles. That’s good to step back and just go with.

    On the other, though, I wonder if it’s not that they’re getting criticized, but that they’re getting criticized *by a woman*.

    I mean really, the “traditionally male” types of careers – engineering, science, sports, etc – are highly critical. You have to know what you’re doing or your bridge falls down. You have to practice over and over and accept criticism or you don’t make it to the star quarterback position. My father owned a construction company, and let me tell you, men don’t hold back when it comes to criticism about the way to do things right. (I still have to do some breathing exercises to keep calm when I try to back up a trailer because of the kind of criticism men throw around.)

    So I’m sorry that you’re so fragile, cupcake, but if you actually cared about what you’re doing, you’d be ok with criticism because you would want to do better every time. Except that it’s a woman criticizing and it’s “woman’s work” you’re being criticized about, so that makes you pout about nobody appreciating your contributions.

    The patriarchy disservices us all, as many others have mentioned.

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    1. I’m a pretty staunch male feminist, so I appreciate and agree with most of your points. But, for me, my problem is not that my wife criticizes me. It’s that my efforts to share the “mental load” are fruitless. She doesn’t want to delegate.

      My theory (see my writeup below) is that women have been trained so hard so long to control EVERY FACET of the household that they don’t know how to give up much of that control. I understand that. But things won’t get better until that happens. I’ve had micromanagers. I’ve BEEN a micromanager. Sometimes, you don’t get to grow in your job (and lower stress) until you learn to trust your team (or fire your team because you can’t trust them). My two cents.

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  44. So it uses gender stereotypes of men while saying we need to eliminate gender stereotypes? What? If you look at the reddit thread, you will find plenty of gays, stay at home fathers, lesbians, etc experiencing the same thing. So gender has nothing to do with these problems and making it about gender is deplorable. When the situation is reversed, the problems remain the same. The message is good but making it one sided is a disservice and frankly disgusting. So now you are the one being sexist. This is the worst kind of feminism and why feminists get such a bad name. Feminism should be equality, gender neutral, etc. This isn’t any of those things.

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  46. There’s an easy solution – Don’t.

    Don’t wipe other people’s asses for them.

    Don’t have kids.

    Don’t marry.

    UNLESS you can make absolutely sure, that you have found a partner, that understands you, you and them can comprehend a very concept of burdens and chores, that family life entails and commit to their word. Then sign a written binding contract, that defines managiarial and physical duties, mental load and has definitive metrics and time-tracking demands, violating those might invoke legal penalties. Oh, and contract might be reviewed once in a while, especially, if you plan to have children.

    I’d even go as far as to suggest this: don’t have children unless you can be absolutely sure, that can take care of them on your own, either you have savings or stable enough job to outsource it to someone else. It’s your children, after all, and for women it’s their bodies too. And only after you make sure, you can take care of a child (or couple), factor in any partners.

    You have brain. You have dreams. You have contranceptives.

    Otherwise… Don’t. , Think, what do you loose by not having a spouce or children?

    All these burdens you describe. They sound horrible! Why would agree to that, when not you’re sure, that you and your partners can actually handle them?

    Prepare, research, make sure to know what you look in your potential mates, and be sure to learn them well and while you’re at it, spend more time on yourself, your hobbies or activism, if it’s your cup of tea. Make a career, read, travel, participate in charity or play some games, whatever.

    Institute of marriage is overrated, anyway and unions born of it tend to be defected, unless heavily modified to suit personal needs and demands of reality. It’s not like there is some kind of imperative or a ‘race’, you might ‘loose’.

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    1. You make this answer sound so easy. And yet contraceptives are not easily available for everyone (particularly poor women), and we have an entire society based on the idea that a woman is worthless if she does not breed.

      I look forward to your ideal world, but we are nowhere near there yet.

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    2. Illiterate, insensitive, and… well… if you have no interest in children or a family, that’s fine for you, but suggesting that no one else is equipped?? Huh.

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  48. Pingback: You should’ve asked – Tales & Truths

  49. After 35 years of marriage total and now in second marriage I can state categorically that EVERYONE NEEDS A WIFE, NO ONE NEEDS A HUSBAND. At least in the sense of those words common in the US. I am one of those groovy New Age husbands, feminist of mind and truly a major contributor to the household duties. I read this and can both dream of how great being a husband could be for me, and at the same time unsympathetic with those idiot guys not pulling their weight or even understanding there is weight to be pulled. No, there are not more like me, and that may be due to lack of modelling on the part of yesterday’s Dads. We live in and run a 7 bedroom college age co-op and have for nearly 20 years. The ignorance of both the male and female residents as to what it takes to run a house is astounding. We now know how to select better tenants that understand what they should have learned in Kindergarten. Open it? Close it. Use the last one? Put it on shopping list. Dirty it? Clean it. Now we typically seek Foreign students, invariably better at co-operative living and chores, or older students. Or maybe the best for chores, Navy veterans. Ship shape and battened down. Please stop letting your kids not do chores. Read Positive Discipline and Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self Indulgent World. Kids can do chores abouit two years younger than you think. Have them do them so they learn.

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    1. I’m not sure I agree with this, perhaps is it French men who won’t take responsibility for sharing the Mental Load? I’m Australian + the men I’ve lived with were totally responsible for the Mental Load. In fact, they did more housework than I, picked up after me, we shared the cooking, did our own washing + ironing, shared the shopping, decorated the home together + other chores fell into place. Perhaps I’m fortunate to have had guys who were well ‘trained’ by their mothers?

      When I look at my parents’ life, my mother definitely carried the Mental Load + also had a successful career. My father would help, but needed prompting. However, he brought my mother a cup of tea, in bed, every morning. Mum would ask for help + Dad would do it. They also were very good at knowing when to compromise.

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    2. I thought the one cartoon, showing the couple watching TV together and depicting that she is the only one who has a mental load bubble going on in her head while she’s trying to relax, was unfair. when I sit down to watch TV there is also a mental load bubble going on in the background of my mind, in which I am trying not to think about the hundreds of home repair projects that are needed here in our sixty-year-old home and three quarter acre yard. I might also be running through my head my schedule at work the next day and thinking about how I need to dress for my various meetings at work.

      It’s a little insulting to men to suggest that all we do is put in 8 hours at a job and then come home with a completely clear mind to enjoy sports and movies.

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