Here is the english version of my now famous “Fallait demander” ; now available as a book with other stories :
Orders available here or here or here ^_^
Thanks Una from unadtranslation.com for the translation 🙂
Here is the english version of my now famous “Fallait demander” ; now available as a book with other stories :
Orders available here or here or here ^_^
Thanks Una from unadtranslation.com for the translation 🙂
Emma 
Truer words have never been written! Spot on right up to the end. I’ve even managed to cut down my load by outsourcing my cleaning to Portuguese immigrants.
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Reblogged this on D-Huggington Post and commented:
Rarely does one read something that captures so well the hard-core truth of coupling in this life. I’ll be watching for more work from this author/illustrator.
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As a heterosexual single father I took on all the roles. With my current partner, I have to get on her to clean. I have to tell her how to clean. It is stressful.
Now I get to come across these posts that tell me I’m a racist, I’m privileged, I sit around while my woman does everything. This is just as stressful.
Everyone is different, and everyone is allowed to live how they see fit. If you don’t like doing everything around the house, find a partner that helps you before you have kids. Quit blaming others for your bad decision.
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I find this blog post really well written and insightful. But I absolutely agree with you that the way it’s framed is really unhelpful. The blog is negatively stereotyping the behaviour of an entire gender – that is sexism. It doesn’t just become sexist to do that when it’s aimed at women!
I still found it a very useful article because in our house it’s my husband who has ended up taking all this responsibility, or the mental workload. It happens by default because he’s around more and I work away from home. Then he also steps into some of the roles to prove to himself that he’s doing enough. Even when I’m there he will do the chores before I can get to them. He asks ‘Do we have enough flour?’ and I find myself answering ‘I don’t know! I’m never here!’ Basically meaning ‘I’m not responsible for that’.
We need to reorganise.
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This is not about you. This is about a social trend that exists whether or not you’re an outlier.
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Minorities = ‘outliers’ from the majority, remember? Minority experiences are valid, whether or not they confirm your POV.
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George, it was not fair for you to take on the roles, nor is it fair for any one partner to have to! The fact that you feel attacked by this post (which does not call you specifically out), rather than sympathizing or recognizing a larger cultural trend that overwhelmingly disadvantages women, is telling. The fact that this is so pervasive should signal that this problem will not be solved by “choosing the right partner,” but instead by a concerted effort to do better. To do better not just in our own homes, but for women and families everywhere.
Simply picking another partner will not only not solve the problem, it may not be appropriate based on one’s situation. In the US, we have an overwhelming “if you don’t like it, leave” culture called contractualism that oversimplifies the contracts/memberships that we enter, like neighborhoods, schools, and marriages. It robs us of opportunities to grow, make things better, and challenge ourselves where change is possible. This is an excellent example of that.
You many not take well to receiving this reply on the internet, but I have the tiniest sliver of hope that you will hear me and what I’m saying.
Good luck, George.
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I think this article is actually defending you too George Hazel. If you are playing that role then it’s empathizibg with your plight while pointing out that said plight is more often than not the females to bear. Don’t be offended man, you’re doing it right. This article should empower you to communicate and share more load with your partner.
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I see where you are coming from no one ever said role reversals don’t happen. You are the EXCEPTION not the rule. Majority of women go through exactly what she stated. We understand there are men out there that are not like the majority of men but I would have to marry one and have a kid before I figured it out by then end I’d have 50 kids with 50 different dad’s and I still might not find the EXCEPTION.
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In the spirit of the fact that feminism means equal rights for women AND men, t seems that you could use some more help from your partner as well. Doesn’t feel to good does it ?
The author is challenging the idea (fact) that it’s usually women that’s in this position. If you say, quit blaming others for their bad decision, that means also you should take the blame for your own decision and don’t (I stress) blame the author for raising awareness about this problem. Did you miss the part where they were fighting for more parental holidays for men ?
The point is, taking up household work should be a matter of choice/arrangement between the two partners (that’s where your point about choice comes in), but not the societal expectations / the unspoken expectations of your partner.
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Dude, you’re the exception. Not the rule. Feel good about that and let us have a conversation about an incredibly common problem that continues to perpetuate.
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So, to take your own advice, should you be looking for a new partner then? Or would you not rather have your partner understand the stress that is involved and help you with it, as this comic is seeking to explain? It seems ironic to me that someone who is in the same situation is angry at people who are trying to solve it.
You are taking a general picture of society personally. Where did it say, “George, stop being lazy around the house”? This is something I come across in men often, especially online. It’s as if they think feminists expect them, as someone who happens to be born male, to take all the blame for all the disadvantages women suffer. Which is ridiculous! Women, in many cases, are also responsible for perpetuating sexism! And I’ve met plenty of men who are more likely to address inequality than those women. Our society being sexist doesn’t automatically make all men privileged pigs who take advantage of women. What a bleak world that would be.
Honestly I see this as much a comic for women as for men. Ingrained societal expectations are really hard to explain to someone who isn’t subject to them. It is very, very hard to understand someone else’s experience. The comic explains household burdens really well, which can help me speak with the people in my life. It’s not about blame, it is about understanding the problem.
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I’m sure you speak for many, if not most men, when you feel attacked. Gender-shaming is trite and tiresome, whether it’s aimed at men or women.
Each relationship must be negotiated on its own terms by the people involved. I see myself in some of the blogger’s comments, but I also know that if I died tomorrow, my husband would step up, as he has done before when I was out of the picture.
The fact is that I myself contribute to the situation. Truth? It is often easier to do things myself because I _like_ the control and I want things done ‘my way.’ My partner steps back, because either he can’t do anything ‘right’ (e.g. my way) or because he simply doesn’t share my personal standards and conscientiousness.
This, however, is not the universal fault of men everywhere, and the blogger’s important lesson about relationships and roles is sullied by an unnecessary, alienating stereotype.
Feminism = agency. I accept my agency in relationships.
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I feel like you’ve completely missed the point. You’re not like the men the comic talks about, fantastic for you and your family. But the fact of the matter is that most men are like that! It’s not a case of finding someone who isn’t, because those men are hard to come by. Plus by the time most couples move in together and this becomes an issue you’ve already formed a strong emotional connection, so why would you give that up over something that could be fixed by a little consideration?
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LOL #notallmen. You are absolutely right. I can’t blame anyone for my bad decisions. I can’t blame anyone but myself for falling in love with a man who completely falls into this paradigm, with the addition of anger management issues.
It is no one’s fault but mine that I am working 3 jobs while he isn’t working even one and I am STILL the one in charge of household management, paying the bills, doing the grocery shopping, making HIS dental and medical appointments and keeping on HIS schedule to make sure he keeps them, organizing contract work and maintenance on the house and oil changes and repairs for the cars, and preparing for our first child by taking steps to prepare my body, our house, and my finances.
But he mows the lawn once a week and does his laundry (doesn’t fold it) so he thinks he does enough. But then he gets after me if there aren’t towels ready in the bathroom for him, if dishes are left in the sink, or if the mail isn’t put away and organized on a daily basis.
Yep. Completely my fault for marrying him, no reason he should take responsibility for any of it – not that he was like this when we were dating, it only popped up after the wedding.
But then ya kinda have to wonder – didn’t he learn this from his dad? Didn’t his dad have traditional expectations of male and female workload?
Never mind that his mom was a stay-at-home full-time parent. She was the woman, and the jobs that were hers are mine now, despite me being the breadwinner as well.
And don’t even get me started on the emotional work he puts onto me. Anything that goes wrong in his life or causes stress gets funneled into me, so I am managing his stress levels and emotional needs as well as mine. Maybe once a month he is in a mental space to give back to me. My fault for expecting or hoping for more.
So yeah. #notallmen. But #lotsofmen. So it still is worth vocalizing, so women like me feel like maybe I am not as crazy as he makes me feel for being exhausted and frustrated by it all.
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Dude, I don’t think you read to the end.
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This. Is. Lifechanging. THANK YOU. I have been struggling to explain this to my husband for YEARS. “I help! You just have to tell me what to do” sounds so decent. Explaining how that IS the problem has been impossible for me until now. Brilliant!
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I feel like i’ve tried so hard to explain this exact issue to my well-meaning hubby, but it’s so hard to explain. He really doesn’t get it and the conversation rarely ends well. I usually end up saying something like “You just don’t get it…you need to be in my head.” Waiting for the right moment to share this with him.
Curious, How were others experiences sharing this with their partner?
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Sorry I am replying to this several weeks later.
My husband and I started this conversation about 7 years ago, and it was not easy at first. He had the very typical responses of, “your way is not the only right way” (well, when you don’t wash the bottom of the plates, then stack them all together in the cabinet, that’s wrong.) and, “I’m not as picky about things as you are” (when you’re having to constantly spend $ to replace clothing that keeps getting damaged in the wash, maybe you should care).
We started small. We had a lot of conversations about why we approached different responsibilities the way we do. We both created list of things that we think have to be done and compared notes. That was probably the biggest eye opener for both of us. We each had things on our list that the other considered important – when reminded of – but hadn’t even been on our radar. That really jump-started the process of shifting the mental load into balance.
I would say I still feel the burden some, but most days, I can objectively step back and see if it’s a pressure and expectation that I’m putting on myself. If it really is a case where imbalance has snuck back in, I at least know that we can talk it out.
Success story time – we just moved. I did the bulk of the work involved since I am a SAHM to school aged children and have the time. But, we had agreed upfront to that division. When I started talking about moving, he handled contacting the realtor, researched builders/architects, and some of the other things I never even considered. We worked together to make a list of logistical issues, and took turns choosing which things we’d each tackle. This weekend, after finalizing the sale of our old house, we brought home all the staging furniture and decor, and worked together to get things arranged and displayed in the new house. I really felt like it was a team effort. Looking back to our last move 11 years ago, I can see how far we’ve come.
So, long story short, there is hope. No one wants to take on more work. Most people will come up with reasons on why or how they can avoid more work. Hopefully, you have a partner who will get over that initial resistance, and see the benefits in sharing the load more equally. 🙂
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This was amazing – everything I’ve been feeling without being able to explain it myself. Is there any way you could please make an illustration about the emotional work heaped on women as well? Thank you so much.
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“Communication with your partner is not appropriate for a relationship”
You’re so going to end up in divorce, you lack even the most basic skills to maintain a relationship.
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Emma, I loved it.
So much, that I made it video: https://www.facebook.com/Besuqueable/videos/1366161490132823/
Thanks for this! ❤
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I love it so much that I made it video: https://www.facebook.com/Besuqueable/videos/1366161490132823/
It’s in Spanish version now thanks to Lagorio Choelo.
THANKS FOR THIS. 🙂 Keep it growing, girl!
Let’s make a change.
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This is why I don’t get it when women want to have kids. They’re most likely going to just add up work hours for free, even if they have a somewhat cooperative partner.
Also, this too is why I don’t get women that want to move in with their male partners or get married. Depending on their lifestyle and income the extra hours may change but still.
It should be more common to live with a female roommate even at older age. Society really needs this and not only for the alternative city dwellers.
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If full equality is your goal in a relationship’s division of labor, then your relationship will almost certainly fail. Rather, you should be aiming for complementary division of labor, where one partner does something they’re good at to cover for something the other partner isn’t quite that good with.
I think we’re forgetting something very important here: That men and women are DIFFERENT. This isn’t just physical either but psychological as well. Women have had centuries and centuries worth of evolution managing the househould. Is it really any surprise that your average modern woman is better at organizing the household than the average man? Emphasis on the word “average”, because obviously there’ll always be exceptions. Not that men shouldn’t help in cleaning the house completely or doing household chores, just that it’s nearly impossible to get them to do so with the same attentiveness to detail that women have. Complaining that men don’t clean just as well as women is about as silly as complaining why women can’t fix cars (or the sink, or furniture, or electronics) just as well as men can. Not to say that there aren’t women out there who are great with household repairs, same way that there are men out there who are great with household chores. But generally speaking (because I believe this entire article is one big generalization) this is how we view women’s skills compared to men’s skills.
I’m not good at cleaning the house. I actually clean more often than my wife does, but I don’t do it as good. I know this, she knows this. I also don’t cook very well. I don’t mind doing it, I’m just not that good. So my wife does bulk of the cleaning and cooking. She also does bulk of ironing and folding clothes. What do I do? I do bulk of the driving, because my wife hates driving. Dropping off and picking up my wife from work even if it takes an hour longer than if she would be the one to pick me up and drop me off. During long drives it will always be me, never her. I do bulk of dish washing, laundry, taking out the garbage, taking the dog for a walk and to poop. I do bulk household repairs including all electronic and mechanical repairs. Oh and she gets to ask for a massage whenever she wants (as long as I’m not asleep already). She handles our documents and paperworks and I handle our bank accounts and finances.
When we go to the grocery, she’s a lot better at figuring out what we need to buy and so I just sit somewhere and give her free reign in the grocery. When she’s done I carry majority of the grocery bags.
Anyway, my point here is that not everything needs to be equal. You figure out what you’re good at, you figure out what your partner is good at then you try and complement each other. It is completely unfair to expect your partner to perform an activity to your standards when you know you’re a lot better at it. As long as your partner is doing what they can to carry the weight of the relationship in some other way then that’s all you really need.
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I think that maybe you overlooked some key points of this post. These “roles” are what society have placed on us, not what is naturally innate. If as a woman my dad taught me how to work on cars, but my husband did not have that exposure, that would be my thing, not his. Its not necessarily equality that this post is seeking, but understanding that these societal expectations are just that, expectations, and while many are learnt at a young age, it is purely an excuse if you feel you are incapable of learning new skills. Its all about perspective.
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I suspect your experience is the far more common one nowadays. I don’t know any guy my age or younger who gets away with that caveman shit. Of course I’m not from the Midwest either.
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You totally missed the point. I feel sorry for your wife. People can learn new skills, you can learn to be a more effective manager of a household. Just because she is better at it does not mean she should bear the burden.
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“She” bears the burden for some things, “He” bears the burden for others- that’s the equality they’ve reached. He doesn’t say he doesn’t cook, or doesn’t clean, only that he’s not as skilled.
Likewise, can you imagine the discussion in turning the tables demanding “equality” that his wife should drive half, pick him up and drop him off half, take out the bin, the recycling, the dishes, the laundry, fix a light, hang a shelf, cut the grass…
I don’t necessarily think perfect equal division of labour is the equality we should be aiming for.
Equal division of *work* is, in my mind, a better goal.
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Not surprised that there’s a division of labor, but I am utterly surprised that among that division of labor ‘ironing’ is actually worth mentioning.
Between modern fabrics, and hanging up garments the moment the dryer goes off, I haven’t had to iron anything in around five years.
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This, i think, is actually what most people aim for when they say they want equality in a relationship. Its not that most of us are looking for a 1:1 matchup of all activities and responsibilities, but equal contribution, effort, respect and consideration. You both have found a balance and work to your strengths and flaws, you have compromise and understanding, and again, equal effort snd contribution. This is generally what people, especially feminists, mean when they want equality in relationships.
So, know that you are pretty much an example of an equal relationship.
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Some good points mixed in with some very bad logic.
She’s most likely “better” at cleaning and knowing what to buy because she is handling the mental load for these things in a way that you are not. There’s nothing complicated about cleaning or shopping for food. These things don’t take a long time to learn. It just requires taking responsibility for noticing what needs to be done and doing it. That’s exactly the point of the comic.
Which is not to say your division of labor is wrong. Maybe it’s fine. Complementary division of labor is a great idea, but letting your wife handle household management because you think there have been hundreds of years of evolution to make her better at it? That’s nonsensical. She’s an individual, and so are you.
Complementary division of labor should be based on communication and good faith negotiation. “Oh, I’m not very good at cleaning” is not, sorry to say, evidence that you are approaching these negotiations in good faith. You CAN be good at cleaning if you take responsibility for being good at cleaning.
Again, I’m not saying that you need to divide your labor differently. But your post is full of hints that you don’t understand the point of the comic. “She’s better at that” is a cop-out for the majority of tasks that men tend to abdicate responsibility for.
(I’m a man who doesn’t do his share of the household mental load and emotional labor, but recognizes that it’s something I need to change.)
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I would love if my husband and I had the division it sounds like this couple has, it sounds more balanced than many relationships. But to determine that women in general are better biologically at doing certain tasks in the same way men are “better” at fixing cars is a mental attitude that demonstrates a complete lack of understanding of cultural influences defining gender roles.
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Thank you so much for this write up. Sensible and practical in the real world
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Random Husband,
There is some over simplification in your implication that whoever is better at a task should take on that task. While this is a good starting point it can’t be the only factor.
When we had our first child, both my husband and I worked full time. I received a promotion shortly after returning to work post delivery. It became clear that it wasn’t working for us and someone needed to stay home. I was the clear choice. I am more nurturing. However, I actually had more earning potential than my husband did at the time. I am also better at managing our children’s schooling, cleaning house, paying bills, all forms of paperwork, managing everyone’s schedule, functioning while sick, remembering to feed and bath the children and have infinitely more patience in almost every aspect of parenting. Neither of us are particularly car savvy. So basically….I should just holler for my husband if the computer breaks?? It would feel so condescending to discuss division of labor this way and leaving me feeling like my husband’s mom not wife. Shouldn’t we have our areas of expertise per say but make sure everything doesn’t crumble if one person (gasp) leaves the house for a few hours?
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I don’t think the comic is about skill in cooking or cleaning, it’s about managing the house and recognizing what needs to be done. Based on the abundant number of male CEOs and managers, I find it hard to believe that men are not as good as managing things as women.
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Glad for you. Don’t overthink it.
Just pop by places like this in the internetz and consider yourself lucky for how lovely your personal situation is in this day and age.
Actively thinking about the word ‘equal’ is almost invariably bad.
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This is great stuff. As a guy, husband and father, it helps me get perspective on many of the issues. Thanks!
Of course, every relationship and household is different, and there are many ways of sharing chores. While I am totally comfortable taking care of our 2 kids by myself, and I can run the entire household without the stereotypical guy cluelessness. However, I do suck at planning and scheduling, I do tend to take the easy route and let my wife take care of a lot of things and it hurts our marriage often. I really want to get better at this while still retaining my identity, independence, hobbies, occasional me-time and my sense of self-worth. The learning and balancing is a lifelong challenge.
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@jsfhvlk, I suspect she still wants to retain her identity, independence, hobbies, occasional me-time and her sense of self-worth. Did you give her the chance?
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I wish this had a Russian translation, so I could show my husband, who very badly needs to read it!
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There is a russian translation! Here:
https://vk.com/wall-66980170_2327
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On small tasks—like modern American dinners for example—it’s better that one person do the job. I mean, we don’t kill our own chickens or grow our own carrots anymore. All that stuff comes pre-seasoned and ready for the stove/oven. The other partner can support by taking care of any distractions that come up during that 20 to 45 minutes that it takes to heat up the Trader Joe’s whatever that you bought with the money your man made while he was at work and you were watching Oprah. I remember my last wife would clearly not do sh*t all day while I was working but then act like her 6pm – 9pm frantic-ness was what she’d been through all day.
There was even a TV ad a few years ago for some air freshener or fabric softener or whatever where the woman was on the couch and heard her family coming up the stairs. Whereupon she grabbed this spray bottle and spayed it around a bit in the air and under the couch cushions before opening the door to a happy husband saying, “It smells so great in here, you must’ve been cleaning all day, honey!”
And let’s talk a bit about control-freakism. If you’re more concerned that the potato peeler is in the right slot in the utility drawer than you are about mashing the goddam potatoes (that I just peeled and cooked) than you are about mashing the potatoes, you have control issues. The passive-aggressive sighs and other bullsh*t (I just spent 12 hours moving heavy shit to fund your lifestyle) are the ungrateful end of many relationships.
I remember the Guatemalan maid I hired at my then-wife’s insistence after we had our only child; I remember her telling me that my wife was “muy juebon” or very lazy. And it’s nonsense like this feminist cartoon that helped to build that belief that she was carrying the bulk of the burden.
I remember having several weeks off between jobs once while she went out of state to be with sick family. I took the kid to the playground in the park and sipped lattés with the other moms while our preschoolers tumbled around. It was the nicest cushiest job I’ve ever had (laundry, cooking, cleaning—all of it). But women are always keeping score. The 60-70 hours of work I did was the *baseline* from whence all further calculations would flow about who’d done what. I remember all the times I’d come home to her at 7pm and she’d be standing there with her hands on her hips, ready to rip into me about all the things that were unacceptable about her life and were my fault. Because Oprah had told her that her job was the hardest one in the world.
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lol this is a whole other thing…
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I have been thinking about this comic for days. I’m so grateful you posted it. It’s a really wonderful illustration of something that so many of us know but do not know how to talk about.
One of my most progressive male friend, however, pointed out something in your writing that I also take objection to: you say, “right now only feminists are demanding longer paternity leave” and that simply isn’t true. This is very much a men’s rights issue, and I implore you not to undermine that–and your comment DID undermine it. Also, the way you phrased it implies that men are not or cannot be feminists, which is also very untrue.
Still — I want to emphasize how grateful I am, this was an extremely cathartic piece to read. Thank you so much for this, I really look forward to your future work.
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I don’t think all women are the same. I like to be the manager of my home. I work outside one hour more than my hubby everyday and we share the cleaning and the grocery shopping but I am better than him at managing, so I do it and I like it. The only thing I do more than him is cooking (he hates cooking, I don’t mind) and dishwashing (which I love) but he does beds, windows and floors (which I hate)
I think is wrong to think that women “naturally” should take care of home but on the same page, is also wrong assuming than women do housechores because they are sacrificing themselves for the family. It’s possible to find a deal where both partners are happy with their part of the tasks. And it’s not necessarily 50%
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Reblogged this on T. S. Reiger.
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Reblogged this on Castle and Kite and commented:
I love everything about this post! The 5382 tabs open in my brain have been explained!
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Reblogged this on schlaflosinwien.
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For what it’s worth, this article perfectly described my last relationship, but with the genders reversed. I would do the driving, the cooking, the cleaning, the planning….I would consistently have to ask for help, and always felt “guilty” in doing so At the end of the day I simply didn’t feel as if my partner had my back. It was one of the main reasons I ended the relationship.
Successful relationships should have a balanced division of labor. Not EQUAL, but balanced. How that division shapes up, however, can be completely different depending on the specifics of the couple.
It’s true that certain skill sets are “gendered,” and that cooking, childcare, and household chores typically fall to women. The biggest “male job” used to be making the majority of the income. In that scenario, where the man was at work all day and the woman at home, the divisions of labor were simply practical – a man cannot keep the house in order while at the office.
As this article points out, women often work full time jobs now too. So in a scenario where both man and woman work full time, I TOTALLY AGREE that a man must certainly take on 50% of the household chores.
But that’s only one possible arrangement. What about:
1.) Man has full time job, woman stays at home (the classic 1950s era arrangement)
2.) Woman has full time job, man stays at home
3.) Both man and woman work from home
4.) Homosexual couples that divide labor according to talents/interests
Each of these situations require a different balancing of the workload.
It does not help to say, flat out, that “men need to pick up the slack at home.” If a man works a full time job and the woman doesn’t, more household responsibility falls on her. If the converse is true, more falls on him. And so on and so forth.
As for the “you didn’t ask…” sub-plot…I’m sorry, but sometimes you really DO need to ask. No one is a mind reader, man or woman. Being able to ask for help is part of a healthy relationship. I agree that having to ask for help ALL THE TIME becomes something else – but it’s dangerous to imply that because one has had to ask for help, the opportunity to be helpful is “lost.” That, to me, is just as toxic.
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You cannot comprehend how much I agree with you.
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You cannot comprehend how much I agree with you.
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amen! and it is not only some men that do this, it’s the kids, as well. and too bad it doesn’t always stop there – it also breeds ungratefulness (um, don’t you want to thank me for the 100th ride i gave you this month?) and emotionally abusive behaviour (“f-you mom! just leave me alone – i’m too busy now to do the dishes!). it also breeds blame (of the mother) and apathy (it doesn’t matter if there are banana peels on the floor or if i bothered to finish my studying) and an utter lack of responsibility for their own lives and consequences to their own actions or lack thereof (mom will take care of the stuff i don’t want to think about or do but she can butt out if i want my freedom).
thank you for this and for giving me a name for it: mental load. amen. so glad i’m not nuts:)
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I love all of this. How have I not seen your blog earlier?! I just stopped asking and outsourced everything, but I’m leaving for Spain for 11 days alone and my husband has no idea what to do. My trips are nice wake up calls for him. I might be passive aggressive. Did I mention that he’s flying in his mother to help?! #validatedyourentirepost
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Beautifully stated! I’ve been referring to the ‘mental load’ as ‘mental energy’… the toll that it takes, which you depicted so well in the comic, has a corrosive effect on families. Children unconsciously learning a broken system, loss of quality time and connection with spouse, limited energy for Moms to grow and pursue self care and professional interests, etc. It harms everybody.
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I’m 60 and in a 36 (so far) marriage. I have 3 adult children with children of their own. I’ve been a SAHM and a work-outside-the-home mom. My husband is gone 15 days every month, and when the children were very young was gone a month at a time, even a 6 month absence right after our youngest was born. I’ve been poor to upper middle class.Here is my unsolicited, and in all probability, unwanted opinion:
I have read myriad comments here and, well, you all need to stop whining and make the changes that need to be made until your physical and mental work are equal. YOU need to do this because you’ve let him skate since your marriage began. YOU need to insist on changes. Your guy may or may not have been raised in a family where mom worked and took care of everything else, too. Or, you picked an immature or selfish partner. But only YOU can decide whether you’re ok with the status quo or not.
Women have 2 choices: Insist on a change that is fair to you both. Or live with the status quo. If you choose the latter, you need to stop complaining.
BTW, I know too many women who complain about this very issue, but then insist their partners would just make a mess of things if they took over some of the tasks. In reality, they just couldn’t bear to give up control. Is this you, too?
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I tried that in my first marriage. I am a rational, logical woman with good verbal skills. I never nag. I discussed the issues I had with being tasked with all homestead responsibilities.
He whined, but agreed to shoulder his share.
And then never did.
So I created a chore list. Made it so he did the chores he claimed to tolerate best. We were supposed to alternate days.
He never did his days.
So i stopped doing all chores…
He started going out with friends to eat more.
I became increasingly hostile.
He increased his time away to include bar time with his guy friends.
I totally blew up and cussed him out for 45 minutes for being a waste of human flesh (for making me do everything).
He did one load of wash, claimed he did his share and never touched anything again…
He wouldn’t even do normal “man” chores, like mow the lawn or take the garbage out. I had to do that too.
I still hate him. It’s been a decade since I divorced his worthless a$$, and I *still* want to beat his head in with a frying pan.
Some people are NOT changeable, no matter how much you talk or the lines that are drawn. The “statys quo” sucks, and leaving is sometimes not an option.
Glad it worked for you, but it’s not always as black and white as you framed it.
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“I know too many women who complain about this very issue, but then insist their partners would just make a mess of things if they took over some of the tasks. In reality, they just couldn’t bear to give up control. Is this you, too?” – PREACH!
This problem also lies with some mothers (in a caring of kids way). If you solve all of your child’s problems for them, they will not learn to solve them themselves. You may think you are helping them, but in reality mothers just can’t bear seeing their offspring “suffer” or they have a faster/better way of doing it, again, making it hard to let them do things on their own.
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“I know too many women who complain about this very issue, but then insist their partners would just make a mess of things if they took over some of the tasks. In reality, they just couldn’t bear to give up control. Is this you, too?”
This is where I struggle with gaslighting. Is it really me? He gets so mad at me for controlling everything. I tried to ask him to pick up the vacuuming – every time he did he said, “I’m just going to do the main traffic areas” but with our husky shedding all over the house that is basically the same as not doing it at all. So he wouldn’t do it properly and I took it back over so that it got done right. It is also supposed to be done three times a week and when it is his job day after day would pass until you are literally walking around on slippers of dog fur until I couldn’t take it anymore and vacuumed. Does that make me a control freak?
Same thing with the bills. I tried to have him take over the bills for our business. Then he had a bad week near the end of the month and it just didn’t occur to him to do them. Some of the bills were late and we got charged late fees. So I stepped in and made sure the rest of them got done. Does that make me a control freak? He thinks it does.
He complains that we never do anything fun, but doesn’t make the effort to plan anything. So I try to plan something and then he is surely the entire time because “he doesn’t know what is going on.” It is so frustrating. If he won’t plan anything and I try to, which means I am the one that knows what is going on, does that make me a control freak? It is so confusing.
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This description is not only anecdotal, but sexist. I’ve experienced the complete reverse in my household and in many cases my guy friends share these mental loads equally with their partners.
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#notallmen so we aren’t allowed to talk about the fact that it does happen and it does place a burden on women…
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Perfectly describes my relationship with my fake-feminist ex who would come home and play video games instead of doing any chores, including his regular ones. I would end up doing 2-3 hours of chores after work and when I asked him to do his own chores, I was “nagging” and he “needed to relax” after work. I apparently did not. He also pulled it on me like a frog in a pot of water, slowing boiling, so I didn’t notice until about a year before we got divorced. He also would complain about the meals I made, but not lift a finger to help with grocery shopping, meal planning, or meal prep. It was really incredible.
(Let’s also mention the part where my being a femme intimidated him and he didn’t like it when I came out as genderqueer or bisexual.)
But I grew up in a community where I was told that no one would love me for being a who I was, and I just ought to focus on making a man love me so I didn’t die alone. With 10 years behind me, I see how messed up that was, but that was how he gaslit me, pretending to support my career and my hobbies while being angry when I didn’t want to change my name at marriage or do all the mental load or chores.
Now I’m with another genderqueer person and we split our housework equitably. Sure, they spend more time planting our garden than I do, but they taught me how to share the work of it. And I spend more time doing laundry because I love laundry, but they do it too. By removing the expectation of who does what because of gender socialization, our home is not only well run, it leaves us time for our other pursuits, and we communicate about how to manage (and better manage) it naturally. It can be done!
Thanks for the great comic.
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Hetero-male opinion: Awesome article! I certainly learned a lot. Never thought about these things this hard but this is where the differences lie… I don’t see the benefit of a cleared table. That’s what it’s there for. To put stuff on it. Why empty the dishwasher if you’re not gonna use it? Just take dishes out one by one and empty it later when you need it and when it’s… emptier.
Good insight: The way we act is the way others will expect us to act in the future. Why do you take on the managerial job if you don’t want to? Why don’t you talk to your spouse? If there are problems he doesn’t know about, because you fix them all the time (or because he doesn’t see it as a problem), how is he supposed to fix it?
Point 3: I would love for people to do this both ways. I would love a comic in the same idea from a male point of view. Don’t you think there are stuff YOU don’t know that your spouse has his mind full with? I’m not saying that this would be true the other way… But I would love to hear.
P.S. (Personal story): Been living with a girl flatmate for a few years now and cleaning is where the gauntlets come off. She wants me to clean when I feel there is no need to. It’s already clean. So in that situation I asked her to plan a day when she wants us to clean together. It never worked. Nothing I did was right for her so she ended up doing most of it herself. My room is a complete mess, to the point where I need to set aside 2+ hours to tidy up when someone visits but I enjoy it like this. I don’t want to have to go all the way to the kitchen to throw away an empty bag of chips. I don’t want to wash 1 plate at a time when I can be more efficient and just leave them on the table/floor/bed until there are enough to make it worth doing it. Why can’t there be anything laying around? It’s really easy to find stuff when you see where everything is (by not putting everything away) and I like to believe it helps with creativity and thinking. I’d love a girl who would accept my unwashed bed sheets, my ash-tray-mug that I still use as a mug after I wash it (even though it was full to the brim with cigarette ash and buds) and who doesn’t take a shower everyday.
In the end: People are different and we have different opinions about how stuff should be done, influenced by the way we were brought up. It’s hard to change someone after 25 I guess so in my opinion, you’d better spend your time looking for someone else than trying to fix the 1 problem you think would fix everything. That 1 problem may be something your partner cherishes and is a part of him. Making him/her do stuff she/he does not agree with is a sure-fire way to make them resent you. In this case, I believe the solution lies somewhere in the middle – maybe not all those chores are necessary. Why is his/her lifestyle a problem, but yours is right? What happens if you let them in charge of stuff?
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My husband is giving me specific amount of money every week. A lot of times he is late. And a lot of times it is not enough. When I had enough I shouted because I am so just tired and angry for bearing so many responsibilities and budgeting the money while he consume the money for toys. Literal toys for him and not our son. And this is what he told me, You should have ask!
I cried and cried. In the end, its my fault????
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Reblogged this on the Great Woman and commented:
A brilliant assessment of the prevailing domestic paradigm and what needs to shift. I thought this might have been achieved with my generation. Alas, no. Emma has made a great suggestion on how to shift the paradigm and I might add, start as you mean to finish. It will allow you, my friends, to lead a great life.
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Anyone know if there’s been an English translation of the comic referenced at the end of this one – the one about “emotional work”? Not even sure if its been written yet at all, but just please know that we would be interested in an English translation of that one too if possible. Thanks so much for this!!!
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Reblogged this on My Rants, Dreams, and Thoughts on Everything.
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I can identify. Not that I expect my wife to ask me to do tasks. Instead I find myself trying to leave decisions up to her, or asking what she wants me to do even for things that might seem obvious for others. My upbringing gave me a tendency to avoid conflict – we weren’t even allowed to eat without permission. So when there are decisions that have to be made unilaterally, I perceive these as danger zones for reasons that have nothing to do with her.
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