1,841 thoughts on “You should’ve asked”

  1. well, nobody is perfect…no man and no woman…everybody can make
    nobody is perfect. Men are not and women are not. Everyone can improve if he wants to.

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  6. Someday I hope to find a woman who sees me as more than a “nice guy” (I hate that term and I’m working on being less of a “nice guy” without becoming a son of Satan). And when I do (Lord willing that I live long enough), I’m going to make sure that in every way that speaks to her both as a woman and as the unique individual she is, she knows and feels at least a smidgen of how much I appreciate everything she does.

    So my prayer for you is that you find that. If it isn’t coming from the one(s) who should be appreciating what you do, then I pray you find a good, hearty, “Good job,” echoing in your heart, because there is One in whom we live, move, and have our being who sees, appreciates, and rewards.

    Thanks for posting this. That takes some effort and work. Hang in there! Peace be with you!

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    1. Your intention is good here, but it totally misses the point. If you caught the message in this comic, your goal should be to share the mental load with her and share the work, rather than just making sure she feels appreciated for her disproportionate workload.

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      2. “If you’d like me to parse out why I replied that way and why I think it’s the best response, I can do that for you.”

        In other words, s/he should’ve asked you to do that?

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  8. This is a great comic filled with good content and illustration. The mental load is not a problem in our household though. I am blessed to have a household where each member shares their load. It is great that it is translated to english. I will wait for more of your comic strips. 🙂

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  9. Wow-fabulous with some super insights. As one coming from 36, (wait, 37??) years of marriage, three terrific daughters now grown and living around the globe and two incredible grand-daughters, I find your perspective very enlightening. I have had to learn that commitment means communication, something that I was never very good at, (introverts, you know), since taking care of “it” myself was easier than delegation, (which is actually a lazy way out when you think of it), and true partnership is more than each giving 50%, but each giving 100%, (which sometimes waxes and wanes depending on circumstances and, let’s face it, hormones…). Enough with the run-on sentence. Thanks for the view!

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    1. It may sound strange but everything that is here mentioned about women (in general) doing related to the household (and everyday life) I do it. I am a full-time stay-at-home-father and house-husband since 2010 of three kids. And in the first three years I was doing this and finishing my PhD. The strange is feeling that there is not that many man/men that do exactly everything! I read about a lot of books related to these aspects of household/kids/etc daily life and one way or the other many stay-at-home fathers are “rescued” by their wife’s/partners. A lot of times the “mental load” is not even needed because they are “rescued” in most of the decisions. They only have to do tasks. Overall, that should be said that the above illustrations are about people, human beings not only women. But, yes, usually they are women in general. Unfortunately…. but maybe is because the way mothers keep educating/preparing male children to life and everyday life…

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  11. Pingback: We Should Not Have To Ask! | Ms. Lilian Queiroz

  13. Enjoyed much… agree with you.
    I think only people who don’t have issues with their ego are able to ask for help

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  21. Pingback: marriage monday: the mental load | mama's manuscript

  22. I thought this post made a lot of important points and I see some others felt it was one-sided- it kind of was at times… but the big thing is that it starts a conversation. Society certainly has a tendency to condition children to gravitate towards certain gender roles; social learning theory and the family projection process facilitate this. Much of our behavior can be explained by the environment, interactions, and observations we experience as a child within our own families.

    I do feel that there has been improvement in the amount of responsibilities men take on within the household over time. Obviously there is still plenty of room for improvement, but behavioral changes sometimes take generations.

    I can say that communication about expectations is vital; don’t assume everyone is on the same page. This goes for both parties of the relationship. Keeping quite about what you expect from each other will likely just lead to tension, passive aggressiveness, and can be detrimental to your relationship and health. An individual taking on the most stress within a family system is at higher risk for poor coping strategies (substance abuse), mental illness, chronic illness, and adultery. It’s probably a lot better- and healthier- to lay out all your expectations and keep communication going.

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    1. Seems like whenever there is an article that is female centered, some men complain of bias. If women complained every time an article, movie or TV show was one-sided for men… we wouldn’t even have time to have babies in the first place because we would be complaining 24/7. Could you let us have the one article please without pointing out how unfair it is to all men. Because I do not have the time or energy to return the favor.

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      1. It’s like you read the first line I wrote and disregarded the rest of my post. I didn’t really say it was unfair, I just understand how some commenters felt that. It is true that the purpose was to show one side and as I said, it starts a conversation which is important. You kind of took what I said and ran with it, but I don’t disagree with your points. Thanks for your response!

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  23. My husband is great at household chores. Better than I am. But when I asked him two years ago to take charge of our kids vaccine schedule because his work schedule made it easier for him than for me, he only did it for our son. Our daughter responds badly to vaccines and needs to take them one at a time so we can trace problems to their source. I never told him what order to do them in which left him paralyzed. I recently quit my full time job so two years later I have to handle this myself.

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  28. Why didn’t you just help her feed the baby or stir the pot instead of sitting there ignoring her and monopolising her husband so that he couldn’t help either? A very strange diagnosis!! The problem in this scenario isn’t any failure of communication within the marriage, its your failure to help the host when it was obvious she needed it!!

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  30. I was taught that if you see something, do something about it. The answer is simple. If the man is born into this type of lifestyle, be the change in his life. I promise things will be 100x better when he learns from you. If you take something, put it back when you’re done. It’s not hard.

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  32. The stuff at the end about paternity leave really hit home. I do actually live in a household where my husband puts in his fair share of work. He’s an excellent father and loves our kids so much. So when he had to go back to work after our now 7 week old was born he was not happy about it. I was even more unhappy as I didn’t feel recovered enough from my c-section to manage all three children and I wasn’t even back on my bipolar meds yet. I’m still angry about it even though physically I’m fine. I’m still not emotionally fine though. (I’m a stay at home mom so I didn’t go back to work last week. I’ve been back at work since I came home from the hospital.)

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  35. My partner is actually quite organized and thoughtful. He is a father (of 2 adult children) and I’m not a mother. Still, I’m messy, etc. He does have a naturally neat freak tendency ..in a good way!

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  41. Thank you for this very well written post! My husband does some of the house work, even more now that I’m pregnant and without me having to ask.
    Even so, he and I just had a conversation the other day in which he expressed how lucky I am because his friends don’t help their wives with the house hold chores… That of course led to a discussion about how he isn’t “helping me” take care of OUR house, he’s doing his part to maintain our mutual lifestyle. He disagreed and couldn’t really understand why I felt so strongly about his misguided view of “assigned responsibilities” in our marriage.
    I love your funny and well balanced way of detailing that flawed social expectation in your comic!

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  42. Hit every nail on the head! Thank you for the validation and food for thought and discussion. You articulate very well, which is something I struggle with.

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  45. It hurts me so much that my wife sent me this. I work full time at a job 60 km from home. I work shifts, nights, days and afternoons. Most weekends I am off and we all are all together the entire weekend. I see my only friend once every few months for a quick movie. We basically only talk online. I make crazy good money that pays for virtually everything. I cook at least three nights a week and I am always with the kids for everything. I cannot stress this enough. We have two kids (3 and 10 months). From the get-go, I have gone to almost every Mother Goose class, every birthday, every doctor’s appointment, every haircut, every swim class, and stayed home multiple times when one of the kids was sick just to help my wife out. I have stayed at home when she was under the weather too and taken personal days to assist whenever possible. I remember to wash our sheets, not her. I remember to safety our house for our kids, not her. I maintain our vehicles, not her. I look up videos online for new recipes for us, not her. I set the breakfast table for the following day for the kids so we don’t have to rush around, not her. I chop veggies to have for the week, not her. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I work-out. I don’t cheat. I encourage her to pursue her hobby.

    When I am at home, I am always present for bed time. ALWAYS. I cannot tell you the last time that I wasn’t there and was doing something for myself. No, if I am not there for bedtime it is because I am at work. Even then, I race home just to be able to come at the tail end and say good night. My “me” time is after the kids and her are in bed at which point I either go to the gym or play video games for a bit before turning in. Her me time is socializing with an extensive network of friends who are on maternity leave as well with her. The last time I went somewhere with a group of friends for the weekend was in 2008! She’s been away multiple times in the last three years.

    So ladies, if you will, please, don’t send this to your husbands unless he is really a shitbag or it will just tear him apart. Because what this article should really be called is “This is why your wife hates you and is unhappy”.

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    2. Perhaps she was sharing with you to start a conversation with you about how some of her maternity leave friends have experienced this? Perhaps to give you more context about feminism today and not necessarily an accusation. Also tell her all these thoughts you have and how you perceived this article! Then talk about it! It could’ve been a huge misunderstanding.

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  46. Give me a break. This cartoon assumes that women are organized and men are not and that women take on the majority of the household managing in most households and that just isn’t true. Let me tell you something: women are no more skilled at running a household than a man is. I’ve run my own and raised 3 children for the past 16 years, BY MYSELF while their deadbeat mother moved off “to find herself” and never returned. My kids have no idea who their mother is and that’s for the best because she was a terrible woman. This cartoon generalizes way too much; it should have been about parents and partners in GENERAL, and not gender-specific. Making it about WOMEN loses the overall message and smacks of typical feminist tripe. I’m so tired of seeing female-centric trash like this everywhere I look where the wife/mother is the overtaxed, overburdened, overworked, unappreciated partner–it’s the worst kind of stereotype because it ignores the burden also held by husbands and fathers–nobody praises the single father who works 3 jobs to raise his children, but a single mother who does it is “strong.” Nobody celebrates fathers and the 80 hour work weeks some of them put in to provide for their wife and children, but the woman who stays home “is a wonderful mother and housewife.” Culturally, women have the option of either staying home “and raising the kids” or going to work “and becoming a strong career woman,” but a man who stays at home and doesn’t work “is a deadbeat” and if he works too much he “is an absentee father.” I swear, I hate what modern society has become and I am glad my children are smart enough to see through the damage feminism has caused. You can’t win as a man anymore, and this cartoon demonstrates that the stereotypes are still strong.

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    1. Seems to me you didn’t read the part where I explain this is NOT biological.
      And that of course some men bear the mental load : but individual situations do not change statistics.
      You can read the whole comic by scrolling until the end, it is where I signed “Emma” 🙂

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